I was only Joking

 I bought one of those anti-rasist armbands the other day, it cost me a pound from the Paki shop!*

No offence mate I was only joking
 How many times have I heard this?
Hundreds if not thousands.
 How many times have I said this?
Hundreds if not thousands.

 Yet when is a joke, a quip or a "funny comment" crossing the line, becoming offensive, a means of harm?
Steve over at Bloggertropolis has posted about a passing comment by Miranda Hart on Have I Got News For You about the Royal Family that has got the chattering classes all agitated. But this raises the question of who sets the standards for what is "Funny" and what is deemed offensive.

"Ah that would be the individual that is listening to the joke", you may say. But how often we say something with no intent to harm that is taken the wrong way. Sometimes if the person that we were speaking to feels that the relationship between you is one that can take a frank and honest objection they will raise this with us and the air can be cleared, usually with an apology and no harm is done. Other times though people will just distance themselves from the person that offended them and will think twice about being in their company. Still there are those that will get filled with a righteous indignation and star shouting and hollering until all know that they have been wronged and a public apology is indeed forthcoming.

 If it was deliberately meant to cause offence? If that's the case then half of the people plying their trade as comedians would find themselves out of a job. The whole "Alternative" comedy scene would find itself in litigation 99% of the time, yet people continue to frequent comedy clubs and you cant watch an evenings television without some program trying to make you laugh. Without some one being offended we would never have had such things as The Young Ones, Spitting Image or Ali G. All these received criticism at the time yet the people in question have gone on to become successful comedy institutions( Steve Coogan, Harry Enfield, Stephen Fry,Paul Merton), except Sasha Baron-Cohen who has gone on to more and more outrageous things! The thing is what causes offence now, what we find as socially acceptable now is going to be different in a very short period of time. Thankfully times move on and people that were once the rage like Roy Chubby Brown and  Jim Davidson get left behind, but there will always be those ready to step into their shoes who's sole aim is to shock and offend. For example the recent comments by Frankie Boyle concerning  Jordan's son.

 It would seem then that we as individuals are the one that make our own mind up as to what we find funny/offensive. If we are offended by a comment in a conversation with some-one then all the dynamics of that conversation have to be taken into account. The motive, the tone, the inferred meaning, the body language even the persons background all have a baring, its the way we decode all these in a split second that really is the standard of what we find funny or not. Mis-reading these signs both on our part and on the part of others can find us labelled as blunt, offensive or spiteful. I had a friend who couldn't have a conversation without upsetting the others involved not because he was deliberately trying to offend but  because he hadn't developed the social skills to be able to interact as the rest of us do, it was later labelled as autism.
 If  we go to a comedy club or watch on tv comedians as entertainment then surely the onus is upon us, if we are offended leave or switch them off. If we sit there fuming and saying what a rude and offensive show then we only have ourselves to blame. However there will be times when the circumstances are that we feel obliged to stand up and say something and rightly so, but if we are constantly nitpicking and complaining then the voice of reason becomes nothing more than an annoying whine and any justified meaningful complaint will be overlooked. Yes we have a voice but use it wisely.




* This was a joke told to me by a friend, I found it funny...  Being mixed race and the colour of a strong cup of tea I would often get called a Paki.

This is not a sympathy post.......but...

(Warning this is a long and winding post)

 Hi, as some of you may know I have recently been a guest of HRH. No, not that kind of guest, purleeese! I was in HOSPITAL at the Royal Orthopaedic Hospital in Stanmore. A Good old fashioned kind of  hospital, the kind where the nurses gave patient care, not just taking blood pressure and filling forms. The nurses in question were efficient and hard working, although a little too fond of rectal thermomitors. A veritable army of Malaysian care givers with one Irish girl of about 25 to keep things all ship shape and Bristol fashioned. They toiled and bustled constantly and even took the time to help the rather ancient and extremely senile old boy put his coat on while sat up in bed which he promptly took off again only to ask for his coat again.  It took a frustrating 20 minutes to realise that all the time he was asking for his GOAT, but all in all they did a sterling job.

 I was placed between two patients that could not have been any more different if they had tried, this made it a little difficult to have a conversation that all three of  us could share. Firstly to my left was a man of mid to late 40's with what could best be described as a colourful character, he was "in" to have various stab wounds to his legs and buttocks tended to. So severe were these stab wounds that they had chipped bone. He had been hospitalised for a few days alredy and when I went in and he was due out that day much to every-ones relief. I think he thought I was a plant by the police because he kept looking at me in a weird way and saying things like "Yeah you know who it was don't you" and "You wont get me to point any fingers, I aint standing up in no court". But this didnt stop him from telling me in great detail the way he fought off four, yes four, blokes that "raided my gaff" and "did me" for no more than "a small bag of weed and a few pills". What I found most disturbing was the way he would pace up and down the ward with a stiff legged walk rather akin to Douglas Bader trying to put the "look" on everyone, most bizzare, it wasn't as if he could have done much about it even if we had given him the cause to. All this and not once did the irony of "getting shanked in my arse" ever cross his mind. He had a family member phone the ward to see if he needed picking up but because of the language barrier between the Malaysian nurse and this chap who spoke a kind of cockney that he though made him sound like Ray Winston, but in reality made him sound even more of a "mug" than Danny Dyre(Dire?), there was confusion as to who was making the request for information and our "Geeza" thought it was "the do'er tryin' to find aaht wot time e wuz aaht of ere and wantin a finish the job". This sent him into a panic and after a quick fag he was spotted hiding in the tree line opposite the ward entrance with all his worldly goods in an Aldi(yes no lie, ironic eh) carrier bag and a bit of wood he found laying around. His sister later arrived and told him to "Stop being a Twat and get in the Bleedin' car". Oh how we giggled as he slipped and slid down the little embankment and she roughly bundled him in to the car all the while stiff legged and throwing "looks".
 As to the gent in the bed on my right the best way to describe him would be a moth, constantly fluttering and preening, backwards and forwards peering in on each patient on the ward never staying still or in one place to long, avoiding the chap on my left but drawn to his every word and action as though drawn to a flame that would eventually be his demise. He was in his late 60's a city worker, Banker and stock portfolio manager for various worthy establishments. His nervous energy and his inability to stick with one thing for more than a few minutes probably served him well in his career, managing multiple funds, markets changing by the second, you could tell he was used to a busy life, just not used to much social interaction. All there was to occupy him now was the crackling voices of his portable t.v and the bodily functions of crippled old men. That was until I came along and gave him the go ahead to go into great detail as to his job, his life and all the intimate details of his illnesses. Now this wasn't an explicit assurance from me that he could literately unload all this on me, I kind of had him sussed from about 10 minutes of arriving so I made sure I had my ear phones tightly screwed into my ears and my nose buried in a book. The only time I didn't was when the nurses needed to take my blood pressure and defile me with the thermometer(don't they have the electronic ones that they put in your ear now?) but some how he managed to find a chink in my armour and eye contact was made spelling the end to any chance of escape. I had to listen to his views on how the media had got it wrong about The Nhs, Immigration, The world cup bid, Trains(?) and of course the Bankers who were in fact the victims rather than the cause of the financial meltdown both here and in the U.S.  How glad was I to be told that they were ready for me in Theatre, another 1/2 hour and I would of made a start on my own surgery!!

 As mentioned these were not the only co-inhabitors of the Duke Of Gloucester(DoG) ward, oh no I could go on to tell you of the chap who insisted on wandering backward and forward with his gown undone to reveal  what would have won him  the Blue Riband at the Hereford County Show

Or the guy that farted so loud the nurses kept running with bed pans.......sorry that could have been me oops!

 So why was I  in hospital? 

FOOTBALL

 Two years ago I had a career ending knee injury, I twisted, dislocated my knee, snapped my Cruciate  Ligament, tore both medial and lateral ligaments and tore both medial and lateral meniscus(cartilage). Not only all that but as I fell I landed on the exposed end of my Femur and badly bruised that too. As the consultant said at the time there was hardly anything left in my knee to damage. So after three...yes three Keyhole surgery and one open Reconstruction I found myself again in need of attention. I had to have cartilage removed from the end of the Fibular, an area of the femur that has now got Osteoarthritis cleaned and trimmed, and a clean up of the graft that was used to replace my Cruciate ligament. All in all a bit of maintenance that will mean I'm off my feet for a few weeks, but hopefully will mean pain free walking and even a bit of much needed exercise. 

 So if your out and about in the next few weeks and see a big chap on crutches say hi it  might be me ; )

OOOhhh its a bit nippy!

. The weather has had a firm grip on the brass monkey and his eyes are beginning to water. Most of the snow has passed us by and unlike many parts of the country we were somewhat disappointed at the lack of sledging opportunities. What little snow we did get was that tiny dry snow/hail combo that is useless at making snowballs and just rolls around in complacent little drifts. The Emo of the climate world, it can't really be arsed to be a full on snowfall but it kind of likes being a bit cold.
 So when we see all the photos of deep white drifts, trees heavy under their snowy burden and children bunking off school we get just a touch envious. I have even got the super little snow sledge things out of the shed in readiness and got "The Box" for the little 'un, alas to no avail we just didn't get enough snow to enjoy it. That's not to say the brief smattering that we did get didn't send waves of panic and hysteria through our local community. At the first sight of a heavy frost Sainsbury's had ran out of milk and bananas, why bananas I don't know maybe its Bear Grylls fault. Anyone would think that there was going to be a white out and the supplies were going to be cut off for the next 4 months, lets face it we live in Britain not Greenland, after all if it got too cold to go out the good chaps at Ocado would pop round with the necessaries.

Phoebe pulling her little brother in "The Box"(last year)

 As disappointed as the children were that we were not up to our necks in the white stuff I can honestly say that I  was extremely happy that we "missed out". I think that the appeal of snow wears very thin after about 14 for girls and 35 for boys. Its true you can see that the girls of 14 are slipping and sliding their way to school in what look like ballet pumps just dreading falling over and embarrassing themselves in front of the boys, whereas the boys(up to 35) are like Labrador pups with their noses pushed against the window slathering at the opportunity to get out there and start throwing the stuff at each other. I passed an office the other day and although the snow was that crappy dry stuff that didn't hold together there was about 6 guys in suits having a snowball fight.....with the kids at the bus stop.It only ended when one of the guys slipped and fell really heavily and banged his bottom laying him out for quite a while, this didn't stop all the kids and some of his colleagues kicking snow all over him first though.

This kind of makes the point better than my words.

BBBBRRRRRrrrrrrrr!

 The above pic is from somewhere in america.....sorry ladies.(he BUFF!!)

 Well its over a week now that we decided to slew the one eyed monster that is the t.v.

 How hard has it been?
Just as with any addiction there have been withdrawals and shortness of temper, cravings and distractions but we have found it to be a liberating experience. We have had more time together and spent quality time doing "old fashioned" things like talking and playing board games( or should that be bored games). We have helped the children to produce meaningful homework to such a degree that both girls have had achievement cards sent home praising their work. All the little jobs that had been put off are getting done, the mirror we got from Ikea almost a year ago has been put up and the shelves that were propped in a corner are now firmly attached to the walls.
 It hasn't always been easy though but I've managed to remain focused and when I have begun to weaken have managed to find something to do. After all we all moan about there being not enough time to do the things we want to do, now we have effectively added 4hrs a day to our lives.
 Don't get me wrong T.V is not the root of all evil but the fact that we let it go uncontrolled is what, looking back, shocks us as to just how much time we did waste.
 We did watch How to train your Dragon on Dvd with the kids and it was great, lights out, popcorn, surround sound up just enough to deafen the neighbours. We really enjoyed it, both the film and the event so weve set aside Saturday evenings as film night, we each get to put forwards two films that we think the family will enjoy and then we choose which one we watch. Unfortunately with two girls 11 and 8 most films have either "Barbie", "princess" or "pony" in the title, they even threatened "The Ballet Shoes" earlier this week. As good fortune would have it I picked up Toy Story 3 so the overwhelming pink tide has been held off for at least another week.

On another subject all together, I am 6 weeks into a Horticulture course held at Capel Manor college in Enfield. The college is world renown for its Horticulture and Garden Design courses and has tutored a number of "celebrity" gardeners. The course I am on is the RHS Advanced, this is the second stage of three leading to a diploma in Horticulture. Today we were looking at plant bio-chemistry, photosynthesis  and respiration (hence the very large and very stiff drink that I am consuming). All in all we will have covered plant taxonomy, morphology and plant pests from September through till December and will be tested by exam in Feb, with a further exam in July to cover the more practical aspects of Horticulture. Having done Rhs lvel2 last year there is a massive jump this year and it was a little over whelming to be honest, but with a bit of perseverance and self discipline I am beginning to get to grips with it.  I can honestly say that this is something that I wish I had done years ago and even now it still excites me to think that I am achieving an ambition that I thought I would never have the opportunity to reach.
 Well back to the calvin cycle and figuring out why glycolosis takes place in the cytoplasm not the mitochondria matrix....wish me luck!

DAY 3: Slightly twitchy

We are officially a no T.V house hold as of 15th November!!

"What are you mad!!?!!"
 Quite possibly, but in the spirit of The Age of Aquarius we decided that the time spent staring numbly at the tely could be spent in a more fulfilling way. We sat down and made a list of reasons why we should keep/loose the t.v and came up with the following:

KEEPING

1. Match of the Day... I know its only me that watches it but I was making the list so I started it off.

2. All the great history programs... Obviously the Missus this one, "We like watching about ancient.....(add name of latest city to be dug up by Baldrick). I on the other hand wanted to put this as a reason in the next list.

3. Cbeebies .....some good educational and developmental programs for the under 5's. 

4. Its dark at night.... erm not really a good enough reason, though repeated at least4 times by the guy at sky when I phoned to cancel my subscription.

5. All the great Movies at Christmas.... hmm no don't get me wrong there are some great films to be seen but not since I was 7 and Jaws 3 was the big Blockbuster on Boxing day has there been anything worth watching at Christmas. For the last three years we did the old highlighter and the festive edition of the Radio Times....probably managed one film a year worth the ink, then it turns out to be on at 4:30 in the morning and only available if you get LWT.

6. If we get rid of the T.V we run the risk of having more children......aha foiled you on that one, booked myself in for "the Snip"(ouch!)

7. How will I fit in at school when the other kids are talking about what they watched last night?(eldest daughter)... I have heard what the kids talk about and their viewing habits and you were never allowed to watch Eastenders, The only way is Essex and 16 and Pregnant, you are only 10years old!

8. Erm... couldn't think of any more.

LOOSING

1. Match of the Day... hey! She got that little jibe in quick. "You watch too much football. You stay up half the night watching Hereford play Scunthorpe then come to bed at 2 in the morning put the light on wake me up then try and put your cold feet all over me and then I cant go back to sleep!!" " If getting rid of the tely stops you from coming to bed in the middle of the night and disturbing me them I will carry the Damn thing down to the tip n my back right now!!"... ahh ok I see.

2.Those great History programs.... yeah well if you actuals stayed awake long enough to watch them I wouldn't mind. You fall asleep after 5 minutes and I usually start watching Stargate or something and when you do open your eyes for half a second you think its part of you programs.

3. Cbeebies...just two words........... "MR TUMBLES" aaarrghhh no no no please god no, I cant take any more!!

4.We will spend more time reading and communicating.... ok, good reasons in themselves but, getting two words of sense out of you all when you have your heads buried in the latest "Mave Binchey" or "Kate Mosse" is next to impossible, and then its the 4 days of swanning around all wistful and distracted after you finish reading them.

5.DVD's are allowed..... our one concession to the goggle box. Watching a film is now an event again, switch off the lights, put on the surround sound and annoy the neighbours with every explosion, car chase or "scene of mild terror"(kids films). Its great we can now get excited about watching a film and its something to value rather than just something in passing. 

6.More baby making time....hey cant be a bad thing right! just have to wait for the swelling to go down...though she did ask why!!

7.The kids can now share with their friends the newly acquired wisdom that reading can bring. O.k they might get a little bit of a hard time but as I said before they were never allowed to watch the rubbish that their mates were watching anyway.  Anyway if its worth watching they can always catch up on the iplayer or 4OD.

8. Its going to save £50 a month.. Every little helps these days but more than the financial gain we will gain precious time. We discovered that we watched 3-4 hrs a night some times more, and that we didnt have the time or energy for the things we should be doing. Now we find that the evening is a lot longer than two episodes of The Simpsons and a One Show(although that could drag on for what seemed hours). Suddenly we have become time rich and we found ourselves as a family again, try it for just one night and I guarrentee you will have a good time. 

  So yes there have been the odd time that I've been tempted to switch on the t.v and yes there are those times of thumb twirling, but so what. I know that for me personally and my family we will spend more time together, we will do more together and we will function smoother. No more will we turn on, tune in and drop out.

Marmite

 Love her or hate her, there seems to be no getting away from her.

www.toonpool.com/cartoons

 Is this what you would call a healthy role model? A style you would be pleased for your 17 year old daughter to pursue? The rabid pursuit of fame no matter the cost to her health both physical and mental?

 I just feel a bit sleazy, a bit soiled, a bit ashamed that I sit there and watch as she goes out week after week to  "perform",  booing and baying like a spectator at the Coliseum. I know she is of an age to make an informed choice and is in control of her own life but don't you think that some-one should have a word with her.  Do we really want to see a teen with a fragile hold on her sanity loose it on our t.v screen and call it entertainment?  Years ago we had travelling freak shows where people with physical disabilities were made to perform so that the public could taunt and geer, we wouldn't dream of doing that now, yet that's not a million miles away from so called "prime time" t.v. 

 Maybe next week she should sing the Manic Street Preachers song

 " If you tolerate this Your children will be next"

   Love her or hate her,you cant help feeling a bit sorry for her.

Because I'm Worth It..(hmm)

In the week that 

I am a very concerned that the ambitions of my employer don't match up with where I see myself in the next five years. I would like to be winning awards and fulfilling my potential on the world stage, leading my fellow country men to greatness. Sadly I see my employer wallowing around being the second or third best company in its field. I have been lauded as having the potential to be the best in the world, to be one of the greatest of all time even.

 Some have describe me as a foul mouthed thug, a mindless violent abuser. Granted I have a temper, I have a wandering eye, I love women and have been known to pay for their company....hell they need their pensions topping up so why not. O.k maybe the fact that my wife is at home looking after my new born child but you know what, she's always out doing her thing, out with her mates at some party or another, wearing another new dress she got out the catalogue. She cant complain I am a good dad to our kid, anything it needs it gets. 

 She does complain about me being out with the lads though, " You think more of them than you do of us" she is constantly going on, but I tell her I have to, its work. Come to think of it I do spend most weekends with them and we get to go away on work trips mid week, some times to the most fashionable cities in Europe. I even went away to South Africa in the summer for the world cup but when I came home early I got a right slating, I thought she would have been happy but no.... just cant seem to please some people.

 Anyway my boss keeps calling me, he seems to want to know what's going on in my head, he says he's worried about me but I think he's more worried about what people think of him. He used to treat me like a son, all protective and stuff, "Hows ma' champ doin'?" " Every one, Listen to ma' boy here", "He's a special talent that we need to nurture". But thing have changed, he told every one I couldn't come in the other day cos' I had hurt my leg but there was nothing wrong with me, he just didn't want me around. When I did go back in he even gave me some crappy job to finish off that some-one else had done. I have seem this before, when he fell out with his last Golden Boy, he even got violent and verbally abused him in front of every-one at work, then started chucking stuff at him. He has got a temper though and we think he has a drink problem but you  cant say anything or else you have had it. I think he's trying to push me out, but I don't care, I want out!! 

 Can you believe that after all these years of service, the millions of pounds I have made the company and the physical and mental abuse I have taken they treat me this way. I had a talk with the directors the other day, I told them straight "Pay me more or else I'm off", they said they would "Think about it".... Cheeky bastards, they dont deserve me, I made this company what it is today, without me they are nothing. I have had a chat with some people who know some people who run a similar company not far from here and they are more than interested in giving me a job. Word is they will give me the same position with a pay increase. A guy who used to work here went to work for them about a year ago and he's doing great there, so will have to wait and see, depends on what they offer!

............Just had a call from the boss, sounded like he had had a a drink or two, but said that he had just come out of a meeting with the directors and they were willing to give me another chance..... I didn't even know I was on a disciplinary!! They said that they didn't want any more negative stuff going on and if they increased my pay to £180,000 a week would I stay..........

HELL YEAH!!

In the week of benefit cuts, increase in stealth taxes and all round belt tightening  unlike never before, how can one man be paid such an immoral amount of money for playing a game! ......

 It makes me ashamed to be a Manchester United supporter

The Greatest Comedy of ALL Time?

There is a raging debate as to the greatest comedy of all time.

It was suggested that Kath and Kim should take the accolade,

But that didnt go down so well.... unlike Kel!

OR 

 The office

The "Comedy Genius" of Ricky Gervais..

Hhhmmm, no I don't think so.

So what in my humble opinion is .......

Black Adder

Close..in all its incarnations but not quite.

Cathrine Tate

 Am I Bovvered!!

Little Britain

I don't liche it...

The Royale Family

My Arse!

    And the winner is.......

       FATHER TED

     Genius!!

Join in.. comment here or over at Steves.. Tell him Joe sent you.

Crouching Tiger.... not very well Hidden Panther

 Well as promised, tales from the dark side of holidaying in Britain.....and not just the weather!

 Our choice of destination was of course North Wales, a wild and beautiful place, the home of dragons and hero's, of sorcery and witch craft and untold mythical beasts the likes of which never seen else-where.



 A morning still and calm, mist sluggishly rolling over the fields, shapes emerging from the mist distorted and menacing. The cries of savage birds piercing the sky as they wheel overhead looking for the scattered remains of last nights victims. The smell of the earth rising to grasp at your every step, the cloying wetness that saturates through leather and skin.

 Among this primeval field there are men, hero's that have survived the night. They have stood guard and watched as their kin sleep fitfully, ready to defend their young from things real and imagined. The fear of the night slowly ebbs away from their hearts, only to be filled by the fear of what the day is to bring.
 First fire, to warm the cold that seeps to the bones, to provide a drink, hot and sweet, to cook the flesh that is craved by the stomach.
 As he emerges from the flimsy shelter of cloth, he looks back at the young, they stir but refuse to let go of the remains of sleep.
 A movement!!.
 Where?
There
 Was it imagined?
 No, there it was again!
  A shape so vile, so horrendous that the brain can not deal with such horror.
 He looks... He looks again, the disbelief tears a stifled cry from his lips!!

NOOOOOO!!!


There before him the sight that burns deep into his brain, the sight that will never be forgotten, the sight that no man should be forced to witness.

 THE CROUCHING FORM OF A MAN............

HAVING A POO !!!

Now I know we was camping, I know the site was described as "wild", and I even accept that sometimes we do get caught short and we must "improvise" , but please the toilet block wasn't that far away, even if it was at least find a frikkin bush buddy!!

 The dirty scally didn't even do anything to disguise the fact he was having a crap in full view of a dozen people, all with the same expression of "what the....!!!!" on their face.

 What made it even worse, if this is possible, yep it is, is that when the "job was done" he left it there. A mammoth log, you know like the ones toddlers do. I was a good 40 yards away and the grass was long but I could still see the bugger. Have a look closely at the picture you can see the toilet roll on top of it in the grass.

 We then had to put up with the 12 hour Inquest into "who's pony"(and trap......crap) it was, and the various threats of violence bandied about, and the colourful language so deftly woven by our Liverpudlian neighbours, until the culprit finally owned up!

 Oh  I do love to be beside the sea side oh I do love to be beside the sea!

Yeah Cheers Buddy! 

I'm Back!!

  Sorry, just popped out for a breath of fresh air and then when I tried to get back in SOME-ONE had locked me out!!
  It wasn't you was it? cos I will find out and then there will be trouble!

Anywho back where I belong now, will tell you all about my hols ( the mystery of the Crouching Tiger), the son exploring the far reaches of his olfactory passages and First Day Back the stutter!

Sex on The Beach

  

Now don't get me wrong, I think if thats your thing then, hey fine.......But please, I don't want to see it. Unless of course its Julia Bradbuy and Kate Walsh from that studio 5 thing, or Victoria Coren,or Tulisa from N-dubz, or Sofia Vigara ooh ooh yeah or or Kimberly Wyatt  oooh oooh yeah baby! Who's ya daddy! gggrraaawwrrlll!! (pant pant!)

 Pull yourself !!   I hear you shout...

Ok Ok whats that got to do with "the Real World"?

Well I am off on my jollies for a seaside break to 

   

 And if you are not one of the above Hotties  then please, I don't need to catch you and your spotty bottomed partner going at it hammer and tongues (literally) on the rocks, and if it was you last year,then 

THANKS VERY MUCH ! I still have nightmares !

When Sports Go Bad

Well hello again, its been a while. What have you been up to? I have been mostly running around after children. Why? 'cos a "friend" of mine thought it would be a good idea to organise a Sports Day party for her two offspring, and being in possession of three little monkeys we were invited along too. How kind of her...Oh I will get you back one day K). So theres like 25 kids aged 3-10yrs and they all have to compete in sporting activities to win points for their teams, kind of like a junior "We Are The Champions". Can you imagine the logistics of occupying the interest of 4 10yr old boys and 3 3yr old girls at the same time. It was a CHALLENGE! after ooh about 30 seconds all hell broke loose as the boys wanted football based games and the girls were more interested in picking daisies and their noses, dont ask me why but there was one little girl who NEVER took her finger out! Still better than the little boy who never let go of his "little fella", its a sight to see a full on sprint with one hand flailing through the air and the other clamped to his groin, and no he didnt need the toilet. (maybe Linford Christie should have adopted this technique, but why spoil the fun for all those desperate ladies who suddenly got interested in athletics).

There you go girls

 Needless to say it didnt go well and before we knew it there was tears and tantrums, accusations of cheating and violence and that was just amongst the parents! I know, I know but hey he did have his foot over the line....just saying.
  Before the day was out though everyone made up, even the little girl who bit chunks out of her opponents in the egg and spoon race...I kid you not, She needed a muzzle.

 So by the end the scoring system was so messed up, the mum who was in charge had escaped to her car and was found in possesion of a half empy bottle of Pinot and a  glazed look. Eventually we prised her fingers from the steering wheel and got her to face her demons kids to award prizes to the winning team. In a somewhat slurred and shaky voice very reminiscent of Delia Smith she announced " Right you lot here,s how its going to be You Are All Winners" and dumped a bag of sweets and cheap plastic toys in the middle of the floor and ran for the exit.
 A call from her husband later that night revealed that she hid in her bedroom all night and he had to go to the off-licence TWICE before she eventually came out.

Watcha! Aye-up! Howdo! Howdy Partner!

Its said that if you had an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters then eventually you would get the complete works of Shakespeare. Well sorry to let you all down so soon into our relationship but there's only one of me, and one slightly abused keyboard, that means No Shakespeare, no great literary works, just some stuff that falls out of my brain.
 Now that is not always a bad thing as some parts of my brain are dark and scary, others filled with birdsong and fluffy clouds , but mostly its brand spanking new, never been used, still got the wrapper on. These pages are a last hurrah, to get those bits of my brain used up before the sell by date expires, you know like that meal you made that time with all the bits in the fridge that were on or just over their best before. Can you remember how you felt after, waiting for something really bad to happen, only to discover that you made it through another day, well bingo that's where were at right now.

 Welcome.

 Firstly, Let me just say Hi and Thank You for dropping by. Its always good to know that I am not just talking to myself, as usual, but there are those of you out there with very little to do hence you being here, so post a comment, start a debate, ask the all wise monkey a question or just kill time, it will make one monkey very happy.

Martini any-one?