Its a RAT TRAP Billy........

.....And You've Been Caught!! 

I was going to post a pick but it was a bit gruesome. 

Strike 1 to me, now we will see if they got what it takes.

There is a whole line of little ratty body bags( Tesco carrier bags) just waiting to be filled.!!

Anyway  a big well done to the wife for disposal of the body.

What?...

You Dirty Rat!

AAARRGGH!!! 

I looked out of the patio doors and there it was....

 The little furry rodent just sat there eating away at a tray of sunflower seedlings! He obviously had seen me but decided that I posed little threat.....Ha how wrong!! 

Think again Ratfink!

I picked up a big old piece of paving stone and hurled it at him and crash splat!!!

Missed him by a country mile, 

Scored a direct hit though on a newly bought ceramic pot full of expensive day lillies. That £45 for the pot and £15 for the plants.

RATS!!  Indeed

At least I scared him off...........or so I thought but 5mins later he was back quite happily scurrying about looking at the broken pot as if I had done that for his benefit.

I swear he turned and looked at me with his beady little eye and  gave a little ratty wink!

WWWOOOOP      WWWOOOOP

DEFCOM 1

THIS IS WAR PEOPLE!!!

p.s I over heard my neighbours arguing about who should clear out their shed the other day, the wife called the husband a pussy for being scared of a few mice.....HAH mice?? Rats my dear!  thanks!!

TAG-- Your it!! part 10-26

Here goes for the second lot of soul searching, deep, meaningful and insightful Questions and Answers...


Q.11 What is your earliest memory?

 About 3.30 this morning when the curse of the friday night insomnia struck AGAIN!!
Going back into my childhood, I have a very clear and distinct memory of being pushed in my pram. Yeah Yeah you may say, but I must have been about 18 months old. I asked my mum a couple days ago if this really happened and it wasnt just a dream or induced memory and she came back after a few days and she has a vauge memory of the incident too. As she was pushing me across what was the edge of the moors on the outskirts of Oldham  Lancs, we came too a small stream and a little bridge that was no more than a couple of planks. As we crossed I was sat up in my old silver cross pram and looking down saw a dead cat in the water. I can still see its face now, eyes open staring back up at me. I knew it was dead and I guess the shock of it has burned itself into my brain and never left me. I can also remember in great detail the house we lived in at the time, down to the furniture and the colour of the walls. I even remember that one night there was a thunder and lightning storm and I was in bed crying and my mum came and took me down-stairs and there was a circus on t.v. ....result!

Q.12 What is your guiltiest pleasure?

 Dangerous question to ask a man, obviously apart from dressing up in the wife's underwear when she's out at the shops I would have to say spending 2 hours in the bath with a nice bottle of Pinot Nior,candles soft music and the Screwfix catalogue.

Q13. What do you owe your parents?

 To my mum, everything. The choices she made at times of great hardship have motivated me to do the best for my family. She taught me responsibility, not just for today but for tomorrow. She showed me that you don't have to measure your worth by what you acquire and that things with true value can never be bought. But most of all she showed just what can be achieved with hard work and determination.
 To my Dad, a slap. But as he is now dead then its a bit hard. I hadn't seen him since I was 14 and only found out last year that he died over 10 years ago. It may sound like I hate him but to be honest I have no real feelings for him so in my opinion its his loss, he lost out on his daughter and son plus three beautiful grandchildren. He is best off where he is.

Q 14. To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?

  Easy, to my wife and children. Why? because I can feel myself metamorphasising into a grumpy old man and as hard as I fight it I don't always win.

Q15 What or who is the greatest love of your life?

 Easy again, it has to be my wife. She is smart, funny and loyal.


Q. 16  What does love feel like?

It can make you smile unexpectedly and it can make you cry just as easily.

Q.17  What was the best kiss of your life?

Hmm, now this could get me into all sorts of trouble!  How does the saying go "a gentleman never tells". But I can tell you it was better than Shrek and Fiona's!

Q.18 Which words or phrases do you most over use?

Sorry...., C'mon were going to be late....., Ah go on then just one more then....

Q.19 What is the worst job you have done?

Working for a local supermarket when I first left school, I would have to put in 55 hours a week and work in sweatshop conditions for £50.00 a week. If we had worked hard enough  we were allowed to take home the out of date meat on a Saturday. Oh happy day!


Q.20 If you could edit your past what would you change?

As Edith Piaf growled "No.....No regrets".  The things that have happened to me make me who I am today and I am pretty comfortable with myself at the moment. The only thing I  would of liked is to have the assured confidence that the decisions I did make were right.
 Oh and of course that time when the wife returned home from shopping 1/2 hour earlier than expected!

Q.21 What is the closest you have come to death?

I was in Jamaica at a dancehall "party" in a field out the back of some derelict shops. There was about 500 people and the biggest sound system you have ever seen. Ninjaman and Shinehead were doing live p.a's when at about 3am a convoy of 6 quarry pick up lorries rolled up and about 600 people gate crashed the venue. There were people being chopped with machete's and gunfights, gang fights with bottles and knives. Then when the police turned up it took a serious turn for the worse, them boys don't mess when it comes to a bit of police brutality! As the only 2 tourists in the place we were lucky not to be the first against the wall. We were given an armed police escort and the longest scariest lecture by the police on a two mile walk back to the resort we were staying at. It made the national news and the papers the next day.

Q.22 What do you consider your greatest achievement ?

I would like to think that my children will be my greatest achievement, they are so far and I hope that they continue to make me as proud  in the future. Its also my 15th wedding anniversary this year.

Q.23 When did you last cry and why?

The night before I had an operation on my knee last year. I had an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to wake up from the anaesthetic, I guess it was a bit of a panic attack. I wasn't scared of dying it was the thoughts of how my family would deal with my death.
 And before that it was while watching Astro Boy with the kids, I must have been coming down with a cold or something....sniff, cough cough sniff!

Q.24 How do you relax?

I love plants, I can spend hours in nurseries. Then when it comes to combinations and creating a planting scheme its as if I am creating a living painting. The process is both exhilarating and relaxing and when you get it just right with all the subtle nuances then for me there is nothing more fulfilling. Strangely this works best for me when its done for some-one else, I find it frustrating and limiting in my own garden, I guess the "mistakes" become all I see.
Oh and a nice smoky single malt.


Q.25 What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?

 Without doubt two fully functioning knees. Through years of football, running, squash and general abuse I now find myself struggling to overcome a severe injury. Two years ago I snapped three ligaments in my knee during a football match, this has led to a total reconstruction of ligaments damaged and three subsequent operations I now find myself unable to run, kick a ball with the kids and on bad days, climb a flight of stairs. Painful yes, frustrating even more so.

Q.26 What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

 Just get on with it!!

So all the online psychoanalysts will be wetting themselves about now just wishing they could have a proper crack at this nut!


Feel free to have a go at this one if you so wish, pick the ones you want.
I would like to tag......

Steve at Bloggertropolis
Veg at The Vegetable  Assassin
John at Going Gently

TAG-- Your it!! part 1-10

 I have been tagged by the very talented and beautiful Suzanne over at Skybluesea Skybluesea. (I hear thats the way you  have to start these kind of posts, its the law or something) .
 In this case though the above is true so go over and have a look at her stuff, she is a textile artist that dabbles in other media. She also has an Etsy shop with some very pretty jewellery. Her blog is filled with images of her work and her life but it is more than just a shop window, it is often charming and touching. This is NOT  a sponsored post, no money has changed hands, no cake , beer or  chocolate has been passed discreetly in brown paper bags at motorway service stations. Go on over and have a look and tell her "Joe sent ya"

Deep Blue by Suzanne

 Suzanne tagged me I guess because although we have know each other for 20 odd years we have not been in touch for about 16 of them! so she is keen to see if I am still the suave urbane man-about-town I once was.

 So Here Goes.....

Q1. Which living person do you most admire, and why?
      Tricky this one, its probably the person that has had the greatest influence on my life, my mother.
At first glance it would seem a weak and predictable choice, but she has endured a difficult and hard life. In 1972 she was beaten and left for dead by my father, after extensive surgery she ran away and hid for 8 years in a small desolate farm in North Wales, she spent the first 6 months recovering from massive physical and psychological damage but every day she struggled  with the help of  friends to rescue her two children aged 4(sis) and 2(me) from her husband and the care system. Although we lived in what was a picturesque rural location every day she was in fear of my father finding us and taking us away, and as the only two mixed race children in a 100 mile radius we were somewhat exposed. During  all this time her parents and brother and sister refused to support her saying she had "brought it on herself for marrying a black man". She stayed strong in her belief that she was a mother and it was her role to give her children the best she could, not in a material way but in her love and attention. Its only when I have become a parent that I realised just how difficult it must have been for her to raise two young children alone and in fear.
Over the years she has battled cancer and bouts of depression yet through all of this she still remains positive and focused on her responsibility.  I am very glad to say that now she has a fulfilling and happy life, enjoying the joys of being a grandma and living a calm and healthy life.

Q.2 When were you last happiest?

As mentioned before it is a real blessing to be able to be happy "in the moment". I  tend to look back on events and say that those were happy times, but in answer to the question, last week walking in the woods and rolling hills around the Weald in Sussex.

Q.3 What is your most embarrassing moment?

 I am blessed and cursed with the inability to get embarrassed. This leads to me getting into potentially embarrassing situations all the time. I have always had an ambition to become qualified as a scuba diver, so when at the age of 18 I received my first credit card the first thing I did was go shopping and max it out on a wetsuit, flippers snorkel and mask. Not really thinking it through, I had all the gear but no money for lessons. No problem I thought  I was a strong swimmer and I had the gear all I really needed was a suitable stretch of water. I was living in north Manchester at the time and as its 60 miles from the nearest coast my friend and I decide that the best place to go would be in the boating lake in a near by park. So we humped all our kit on the bus to Mosses Gate country Park. When we arrived we were really excited as this was to be the christening of our kit and the start of our careers as underwater explorers. After20 sweaty minutes of struggling into our wetsuits and kit, suffering jeers from passing youths and amassing quite a crowd of younger kids asking questions and laughing we were ready. All our safety checks were done, dive plan arranged and last minute nerves overcome with a Navy Seals "Boo --Yah" we set off wading in to the water. As the water  rose from above our shins to above our knees we excitedly exchanged the "o.k" sings to each other, the water now was at our waist  and we had kicked up a cloud of silt. We pushed on and decided that rather than wading we should start to swim out, so we literally took the plunge. After 20meters of "finning" we were still kicking up silt and it was impossible to see anything so I stopped and tried to tread water, my fins touched the gloopy silt at the bottom of the lake and realised that I could stand. It turned out that the water never got past 3 feet deep and that the lake and indeed the whole park was built over a refuse landfill site and the water contained some pretty nasty bacteria. The result was that after 3 days of horrendous vomiting and diarrhoea  it was ages before I went diving again, the stench of the silt never came out of the wet suit.


Q.4 Aside from property, what is the most expensive thing you have bought?

 If by expensive you mean could least afford then probably the wetsuit and equipment from above. At the time it was probably about half my annual wage and on the credit card repayment took about 7 years to pay off!

Q.4 What is your most treasured possession?

I don't tend to "collect" things with sentimental attachment. I have a toy bunny with one arm (parachuting accident) that I have had from being 3. Probably the the thing I have which gives me the greatest pleasure is my garden.  oh and my children...of course.

Q.5 Where would you like to live?

I would love to split my time between Iceland, a little old fashioned ( but warm) tin house just outside Reykjavik for winter, and for summer and sunshine probably a Greek island in a minimalist white  house like this..

Ten different kinds of awesome! 

Q.6 What is your favourite smell?

After "napalm in the mornings", I guess it would have to be Versace Versus aftershave. Its one I got years ago and is really tricky to get hold of now but when I smell it it takes me back to some of the best times in my life

Scratch and sniff....mmmmm!

 Q.7 Who would play you in a film of your life?

 Difficult this one, Richard Roundtree the 1970's Shaft, or Denzel Washington would be nice.

Q.8 What is your favourite book?

 Probably got to be "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" a trilogy in 5 parts, 6 if you count the "And Another Thing" but we don't really talk about that.  Shallow, I know but its the one(ok 5) I can pick up and read again and again, there aren't many books that I can do that with. I love the works of Asimov, Philip K Dick and other 1950's short story scifi writers. 

Q.9 What is your most unappealing habit?

 Where do we start....the nose picking, the bad tempered shouting, farting, holding onto the remote control or the constant loosing things in plain sight? Probably none of the above , they are all inherent of every male so I would have to say the worst of my habits has to be being patronising, but you dont have to worry your little head over that.

Q.10 What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

 I would love to go as The Silver surfer from the old D.C comics, fab.

"Is there somewhere I can put my board?"

 

 There are another set of questions to follow so if you are so inclined, please come back ya hear!