Sex on The Beach

  

Now don't get me wrong, I think if thats your thing then, hey fine.......But please, I don't want to see it. Unless of course its Julia Bradbuy and Kate Walsh from that studio 5 thing, or Victoria Coren,or Tulisa from N-dubz, or Sofia Vigara ooh ooh yeah or or Kimberly Wyatt  oooh oooh yeah baby! Who's ya daddy! gggrraaawwrrlll!! (pant pant!)

 Pull yourself !!   I hear you shout...

Ok Ok whats that got to do with "the Real World"?

Well I am off on my jollies for a seaside break to 

   

 And if you are not one of the above Hotties  then please, I don't need to catch you and your spotty bottomed partner going at it hammer and tongues (literally) on the rocks, and if it was you last year,then 

THANKS VERY MUCH ! I still have nightmares !

When Sports Go Bad

Well hello again, its been a while. What have you been up to? I have been mostly running around after children. Why? 'cos a "friend" of mine thought it would be a good idea to organise a Sports Day party for her two offspring, and being in possession of three little monkeys we were invited along too. How kind of her...Oh I will get you back one day K). So theres like 25 kids aged 3-10yrs and they all have to compete in sporting activities to win points for their teams, kind of like a junior "We Are The Champions". Can you imagine the logistics of occupying the interest of 4 10yr old boys and 3 3yr old girls at the same time. It was a CHALLENGE! after ooh about 30 seconds all hell broke loose as the boys wanted football based games and the girls were more interested in picking daisies and their noses, dont ask me why but there was one little girl who NEVER took her finger out! Still better than the little boy who never let go of his "little fella", its a sight to see a full on sprint with one hand flailing through the air and the other clamped to his groin, and no he didnt need the toilet. (maybe Linford Christie should have adopted this technique, but why spoil the fun for all those desperate ladies who suddenly got interested in athletics).

There you go girls

 Needless to say it didnt go well and before we knew it there was tears and tantrums, accusations of cheating and violence and that was just amongst the parents! I know, I know but hey he did have his foot over the line....just saying.
  Before the day was out though everyone made up, even the little girl who bit chunks out of her opponents in the egg and spoon race...I kid you not, She needed a muzzle.

 So by the end the scoring system was so messed up, the mum who was in charge had escaped to her car and was found in possesion of a half empy bottle of Pinot and a  glazed look. Eventually we prised her fingers from the steering wheel and got her to face her demons kids to award prizes to the winning team. In a somewhat slurred and shaky voice very reminiscent of Delia Smith she announced " Right you lot here,s how its going to be You Are All Winners" and dumped a bag of sweets and cheap plastic toys in the middle of the floor and ran for the exit.
 A call from her husband later that night revealed that she hid in her bedroom all night and he had to go to the off-licence TWICE before she eventually came out.

Watcha! Aye-up! Howdo! Howdy Partner!

Its said that if you had an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters then eventually you would get the complete works of Shakespeare. Well sorry to let you all down so soon into our relationship but there's only one of me, and one slightly abused keyboard, that means No Shakespeare, no great literary works, just some stuff that falls out of my brain.
 Now that is not always a bad thing as some parts of my brain are dark and scary, others filled with birdsong and fluffy clouds , but mostly its brand spanking new, never been used, still got the wrapper on. These pages are a last hurrah, to get those bits of my brain used up before the sell by date expires, you know like that meal you made that time with all the bits in the fridge that were on or just over their best before. Can you remember how you felt after, waiting for something really bad to happen, only to discover that you made it through another day, well bingo that's where were at right now.

 Welcome.

 Firstly, Let me just say Hi and Thank You for dropping by. Its always good to know that I am not just talking to myself, as usual, but there are those of you out there with very little to do hence you being here, so post a comment, start a debate, ask the all wise monkey a question or just kill time, it will make one monkey very happy.

Martini any-one?