This time last week....

I woke up here and watched as the sun crept over the mountains to my left. as the sun broke cover the temperature started to rise and the smells of citrus and Rosemary drifted up to the balcony. Within an hour I was in the sea swimming among shoals of silvery fish. Back for a breakfast of strong black coffee and giant pastries.

Later that morning we headed of for a day out. This is Perast, a small sleepy village with an amazing history. The inhabitants repelled a fleet of 6,000 North Africans and in doing so secured for themselves the protection and support of Venice, in time the local seamen were commissioned to act as special military force to the council of Venice.

Now there is not much to even hint at these past glories, however the small island to the right is a testament to the spirit of these villagers. It is a totally man made island with a church built upon it in 1452. 

What the village boasts now is a fabulous Hotel Conte and view to die for.

That was a mid morning coffee and liqueur taken care of.

 On wards and upwards. 

Check the mountain to the rear of the photo, if you look close you will see a mini Great wall not of china but of Kotor. This is a charming old town with many old palaces and wealthy merchant houses that once housed the most powerful and richest families of there time, now however they house restaurants and souvenir shops designed to relieve the cruise liner tourists of their overflowing pocketfuls of cash. 

I wonder did the tourists loose more pounds walking up the couple thousand steps to the monastery on the top of the mountain or in the shops selling tat in the old town square?

Anyway they cant complain when they climb back aboard this little run around moored in the marina

After lunch we then headed off to the swankiest resort on the coast, where the Rouble is king (or Czar).

This was such a difference from the rest of the places we had seen this day that it made us wonder if we were in the same country. Still a bottle of Prosseco in a nice bar with more amazing views was one way to kill a few hours that I could very easily get used to.

Then back to town for a moonlit meal on the marina. The seafood platter of the day for one consisted of 2 sea bream, white bait, squid, octopus, deep fried mini flatfish and what can only be described as a dollop of caviare the size of a snooker ball! 

If you look closely you can just make out the silvery shapes of tomorrows "catch of the day".

Then it started all over again the next day!

I think I could get used to this.

Back to old blighty and greeted by the worst wind storms in 25 years .....GREAT!

(Can anyone tell me where I was?)

One.. Two......, One.. Two..... Is This Thing On ?

Well a truly rapturous return to the blogosphere, almost as much hooha as the second coming!!

Yep, it was missed by the vast majority of you so for those at the back not paying attention..

HELLO

Honestly whats a person to do round these parts to get a little attention?

What?

No?

Really?

But I could never live with myself,

The Shame...

Oh, Ok Then....

NOW SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

I swore I would never resort to "Kitten pics" but this should double my hits, no sweat!

Boo!

Ah yes I knew there was something I had forgot, it was you lot.

Honestly if you were my children that would have been it, off to the big house for neglect!

But you know me by now, bit of a media ninja.....

now you see me,

 now you don't..... 

NINJA ATTACK!

In fact this blog is just like those crazy 80's movies, you know, clumsy staged conflict, very bad dubbing.

No honest it is.

So what have I been up to for ssssooooooo long a time?

    

Training

Mind-                     I have completed my horticulture degree...Phew!
                               I have completed the first part of teacher training..Double phew!!
                              I have signed up for the second part of teacher training ...Aaargh!!


Body-                   I have completed knee physio... Yay!
               I have broken down again after slippage incident (beer may or may not have been involved) Boo!
                       Grown a large and somewhat expensive prudence around my waist. (See Above brackets)

Missions

Work-                 Completed nearly a year back working, picked up loads of new customers and worked like a dog trying to keep them all happy.... bad move, some people want blood. They can have it...THEIR OWN!!
                           Ran a short 4 week course at my local Horticulture college... Awesome!
                          Got a call back to run 3, yes count them 3! courses as of September WAHAY.
                          Spend the next 3 weeks breaking the hearts of a number of  "ladies of a certain age", giving them notice of my quitting....there will not be a dry eye in the house!
                         Planning the 3, yes count em, 3 courses running concurrently  for the next 12 months....poop!


Play-                 Spend the next 10 days with the in-laws!!   Easier said than done....drat!
                         Spend 10 days in North Wales, no not the pretty bit, the wart on the syphilitic arse-hole that is Holyhead... I hate that place!
                         Sit for the next 10 days dreaming of my week in the mountains and lakes of the beautiful environs of Montenegro in October.... bliss! (beer may be involved)




 So as you can see, lots more of the usual rubbish and a number of good thing have happened along the way, I am sure to bore you with the details some more in the near future.

Its been fun just lurking and dropping the odd comment now and again but like the creepy uncle that turns up at weddings and funerals smelling of cheap liquor, cheap aftershave and even cheaper hookers ....

Oh hello,

look at you,

your all grown up now!

I will be seeing you.

I Love You Long Time...

This is what happens when old men get access to the internet.

I sat opposite this couple last night in an Italian restaurant, they sat opposite each other in painful silence and broken conversation. She could only speak a few words of English and he was trying his hardest and loudest to impress her with his "East End" exploits of the 1960's. As you can see if you look close enough she is trying her best to follow his stories with a translation app on her iphone. I dont think from her confused looks that it had an option for rhyming slang on knew the word "nonce".

Please if I ever get that desperate just put me down!

Been Around The World And I, I, I, I...

Its been a hectic few weeks here. We had a phone call two weeks ago to say the father in law had been rushed into hospital with a suspected heart attack. So as you do we dropped everything and made our way to see him, which considering he lives in Holyhead and we live on the outskirts of London is at best a 4 hour drive and at worst a 8/9 hour slog up the motorway.
As we drove up we didn't really know much as to his condition but it didn't sound too good, he had been under  a lot of stress lately as both his son and youngest daughter are both suffering from depression and mental health issues and as it so often happens are taking things out on their parents. The father in law is 82 and now quite frail, he was up until the last couple of years very active often to be found climbing about on his roof trying to fix his tv aerial or digging a new border for his veg growing. But more recently his health has not been great and he has taken to walking with a stick, much to his annoyance and if truth be told embarrassment. The mother in law is in her late 70's too (don't tell her I said that) and has had health issues herself, recently recovering from bowel cancer and several operations and chemotherapy. I guess to outsiders they are quite vulnerable and "old" but when its family you kind of look past their outward appearance and see them as they see themselves, still capable and if not quite full of vital energy then at least still got another 20 years or so left in them.
 So it was with trepidation then that we walked into the hospital ward. As we looked for him among the other "old" people on the ward it took us a second look to recognise him. Out of his usual surroundings and lying there with his eyes shut and his mouth open he looked small and feeble.We quietly took our place at the bed side and sat looking at him not really sure what to say until after a few seconds he started to snore, it got louder and louder until it drew tuts from the deaf man across the ward and giggles from us. Eventually it got so loud and we were laughing so much that the nurse made nudging motions towards us to wake him up. As soon as he opened his eyes we could see the razor sharp spark had not diminished one jot, he was back in the room and as bright as he had ever been. It turns out that apart from feeling a bit weak he has suffered no ill effects from his ordeal and was ready for home. He was kept in for a few days for observation but the combination of his snoring , chatting up the nurses and the NHS's desperate need for beds he was sent packing.
After they had settled back home we headed home ourselves, another trek across half the country but as it was in the early hours of the morning traffic was light and we made it home in 5 hours. Two days later we got a call again asking if they could come and stay for a few days as they were having problems from the other members of the family, so it was back up to North Wales this time we let the train take the strain on the way up and drove them back here in their car.
A week later we drove them back up to Holyhead and again took the train back.
Now I love to travel but only if I am going somewhere but all in all with the two trips and all the running them about while they were with us we racked up just short of 2000 miles and 25 hours sat in the car or the train in just over 2 weeks. I worked it out and we could have got to Cyprus, Greenland or Beirut. But as the saying goes "the further you go, the nearer to home you get".

I am glad to say though that both the father in law and mother in law are doing well and are now back on their feet, a little slower and more cautious but in a way that's better.

Now to just sort out the rest of the families problems and I can then concentrate on sorting out the Middle East and Africa.

The Writing Is On The Wall

On the school run each morning we pass a very wonky wall that has been threatening to fall over at any second for the last 12 months. Its about 5 or 6 feet high and was constructed by any old bits of brick and stone to hand back in about 1960. It leans out at such an angle that you have to step out into the road to walk past it. Its adjacent to a very narrow pavement and if the wall was to fall would land in a narrow street that is a used as a bit of a rat run during rush hour both morning and evening.
 Imagine then our surprise to see last week the wall being dismantled brick by dusty brick as we drove past on our first day of school and over the  past week or so it was completely removed and the earth behind dug back and a brand spanking new wall built. Yesterday  as we passed the wall had been rendered and with its first coat was dry ready for the final coat of render to be applied. As we drove by today we saw that the builders had indeed been busy applying a smooth flawless finish to what now is a proud piece of construction.
 However as we came to the end of the wall, because its about 40feet long my youngest(5) read out these letters gouged out of the render about 3 feet high.....

"C."

"U."

"N."

"T."

"That wall is built by a  CUNT dad!!"

After nearly crashing the car and the two eldest kids in hysterics, I then had a 15minute "chat" about words that are "not nice".  

 Kids hey!!!

TRA LA TE TE TRA LA LA LA LAAA

Yes it really is a grown man singing and dancing like Mary Poppins, this is not something new to those of you who frequent "those" type of clubs but in our house the phrase "Bear with a sore head" is generally the best way to describe my default setting over the past 5 1/2 weeks.
 I dearly love my children but when it turns out that I have been the sole carer and house keeper and cook and cleaner and trying  working 40 hours a week then the "Summer Holidays" are anything but a holiday. At least  today I had a wee without some one wandering in asking where his Lego mini figures were, a cup of tea without the requests for a recreation of Lady GaGas latest hair style and 30 seconds at the computer where I wasn't mobbed by demands to watch "the worlds cutest puppy" or the "Annoying Orange".

BLISS 

All Is quiet, no Rhianna  blasting from the kids room about what sexual antics she has been/would like to do to some unfortunate/fortunate guy.

No continual loop of Pingu dvd's.

No volley of screams, chases and cries of "she hit me!", "He bit me!" and "I'm telling!!!!"

Yes peace reigns and I can feel the icy iron grip loosen ever so slightly across my chest.

Its great when the kids go back to school. Time to do what I want to do when I want to do it. 

Too Much Time ON My Hands!!!!

ROLL ON 3 O'CLOCK!!!

What Happens In Vegas.....

 Good to see that the future(possibly) King has a seat that will fill a throne.

 Shame that there was such a fuss on the way it was discovered that he has one.

 What does this lead to?

Maybe he uses it to actually go to the toilet with like the rest of us!!!

And If so does that mean all the Royals have one and does theirs work too

No, I think I may have just invaded his privacy.

 OFF TO THE TOWER WITH HIM!!!!

It could have been sooooo much worse!

The EASIEST way to double your reader stats!!

 I have developed a way that enabled me to double visits to my blog without doing a single thing....


Yes, ITS TRUE....


DOUBLE !!


How? I hear you scream..... Tell Me, and Tell me NOW!!!


Easy...

Write nothing at all

Just wait almost a year without posting anything and watch those figures rack up!!!


That's what I did and in almost the same time as it took from my first post to the last one in Oct 2010 I have managed to double the visits to my pages without writing a single thing.

 Now this could be looked at in two ways

1. People were so impressed when I was writing that they had to read it twice to fully believe the awesomeness, or....

2. I'm slightly more popular when I don't write, hhhmmm.

Tough crowd!

So just to annoy you all,

I AM GONNA KEEP YOU POSTED.

( This is what I've been up to by the way)

Mugged...

 

Have any of you noticed that at certain petrol stations you can not get the amount of petrol you want?

Now I am not talking about how in some of the more "seedy" eastern European countries you have to queue for 3 days for  a cup petrol and then sell them a kidney.
 No its craftier than that,
 Our local Sainsbury is huge, no no it is properly mahoosive. Its about 3 acres inside and not only that it has a Marks and Spencer attatched that is of a similar size. Its location on the M25 junction 22 gives it prime location not just for destination shoppers but as a service  stop for passing motorists. On a weekend the place is so busy that you queue 20 mins to get in and out of the site, its open 24 hours a day and only closed last year on Christmas and Boxing Day. It is the modern day embodiment of the goddess Artemis..

Come all you hungry and suckle at my many titiies!

There is nothing wrong with success as it is obviously doing very well ....BUT, what I can not abide is the  sneaky greedy ways they have of screwing that extra penny out of me.

 Every time now for the past few months when I fill up at the petrol station I always aim to get £30.00 of fuel, I find this lasts about a week and is generally what most average users buy. So how is it, and its not just me others have started to notice too, that when you fill up to £29.99 the digital counter reads in increments of 1p but all of a sudden SKIPS £30.00 to £30.01. It is IMPOSSIBLE to dispense £30.00, the machine just wont allow it, believe me I have made it a mission to get £30.00 but it just wont have it. 

 There are 30 pumps, busy from morning till night and if each one is doing this, adding a sneaky penny to a bill then...

 At an average rate of 20 customers an hour each pump would make 20p x that by 24 hours and each punp would make £4.80 per day.  X that by 30 pumps thats £144.00 per day... X that by a month £4320.00.... X that by 12 months and all of a sudden our added extra pennies becomes £51,840.00 a year.

 From ONE petrol station!!!!! 

That would be enough to employ some one who actually spoke English, could afford deodorant and knew how to work the till, yet alas no.

How many other of Sainsbury's petrol stations are doing this, who knows? 

But what I do know is that it is wrong.....

..AND I WANT MY PENNY BACK!!!

So yeah right, Where was I...

 So after a somewhat protracted absence on this here blog I am once again the returning hero. Just like in the old westerns when the gun slinger leaves town under  a cloud, accused of cowardice, only to return all guns blazing and shooting up the place....

Well Hang on to your hats buddy cos PIOW PIOW PIOOWWW!!

So where you been? What you been doin? I here one person ask(thanks its nice to be missed)..

• Being not very well a lot, but much better now.
• Trying to look after 3 kids a home and remain sane as wife goes out to work full time.
• Exams.
• Working for the most difficult customer in the world. 
• Putting on weight.

  Not very exciting I know, but it has given me time to think and refocus on what I  need to do and what I want to do. Some times that loosing control of your life, the inability to do what you want when you want, is a break to the routine we settle into and find almost impossible to get out of.

 As you will have read here I started feeling un well a while ago and as the coughing got worse and the treatment got less and less affective and people started to ask if I was "all-right?", I began to worry a bit. After seeing a consultant I was run through some tests, a CTscan, x-rays, bronchoscopy and lung function tests. Now during this time I lost 2 1/2 stone (40lb apx), and not being heavy this showed quite alarmingly. I was also coughing in spasm until vomiting(sorry) several times a day and was unable to walk a flight of stairs without having to rest part way up. Worrying times all round, my family were concerned, my friends were concerned even the doctors were concerned..... I received a call from my G.P who said I needed to make an urgent appointment with her as some of my test results had come back and they needed to go through the findings. Now I was really concerned, only a couple days earlier a friend of mine had had a similar call from her G.P and she was informed she had breast cancer. At the appointment he G.P showed me a chest X-ray  that showed lots of grey dots over 3/4 of both lungs, "not good" was her words. A CT scan showed similar nodules covering half of both lungs and lots of fluid, according to her I was functioning on 1/3 lung function. Then she said that without the full set of results and particularly the biopsy results that she couldn't make a definite diagnosis but she was concerned that this was something serious. OH CRAP!! worst case scenario runs through my mind.    "What are we talking Doc, weeks, months...?"  She then chases the other results only to be informed that as she was not the doctor to order the tests she can not have access to the results until the consultant has seen them first and passes them down the chain of command to her. So a wait of a week before I get to see the consultant all the while living each day as though it could be my last. When i get to see him he breezes in all cheery and says that all my tests are back and there's good news and bad news... "yes, yes get on with it!!".. the good news is its NOT CANCER!!!! the bad news.... I didn't really hear much past that. I had been expecting the worst, I was prepared to hear it, I had come to terms with it and now here I was being told not to worry everything was going to be all right. I haven't cried for many years but I am not too proud to say I shed a tear sat there in his office. 

" The bad new is"...."you have a condition that presents itself with all the symptoms of lung cancer" ahhh ok. not so good then..."But is something that we can treat and in some cases we can reduce the symptoms to such a degree that all you will notice is sometimes a shortness of breath and will need an inhaler"...

 It turns out that I have Sarcoidosis, after putting me on a very strong course of steroids and various other drugs to combat some of the side effects I am now feeling much better. I have beeen   on these for a month and in that time I have stopped coughing, am able to function reasonably normal and can walk stairs without having to stop or chuck up. I have done a bit of research and am aware that it is a condition that varies in its effects according to how your body is dealing with it on a day to day basis, as with all auto immune conditions its a case of managing rather than curing. So with a good system of control, healthy diet, exercise and lots of tablets I should be fine.

 What I have discovered is that if I go to bed before 10:30pm I sleep for an hour and am then awake until going to bed the next night only to get another hours sleep and being up all night again. So as a means of getting me through the night  I will no doubt be churning out lots more drivel over the next few months at god forsaken hours. In the past 72 hours I have had three and a half hours sleep, I feel fine but my temper is shorter than Gary Colman.

What the F@*K you talkin bout Willis!!

I even found a forum for people who discuss weather presenters on local tv stations in the Uk and they were complaining that they were not qualified meteorologists..... Yes some harsh comments were left on that forum baby!   Trolling is the new Hobby.

Its not my fault!!

  Recent news articles and radio programs have covered the growing backlash to the comments made by a policeman in Toronto. He was speaking on a college campus about the need for personal security and the ways in which women in particular can help protect themselves from becoming the victims of crime. He stated that if a woman wanted to lessen the risk of being raped then she should "not dress like a slut".
 From this comment arose the Slut Walks organised across America, Canada, Britain and Australia to "reclaim" the word "slut" and highlight the fact that women should be able to wear clothes  that are "sexy" and "revealing" and not be blamed if they become the target of sexual assault and rape.
 Lets get one thing clear from the start here and that is, to sexually abuse, assault and rape is never justified. It is wrong and the perpetrators of such crimes need to be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law, and in some cases further than the lenient judicial system allows.
 But the attitude of some of the protesters and women that publicised the events makes me question there motives and not to put too blunt a point on it their sanity.
 They are of the opinion that women are not in any way responsible for the way that other people will interact with them based on how they look and how they dress. In one case a woman was questioned and said that "if I wanted to I should be able to walk down the street naked and not fear any sexual harassment or assault".  If we lived in an an ideal world she has a point, however we do not. The society we live in is constantly bombarding us with images of beauty and sexual attraction. From the food we eat to the car you drive, from the shampoo you use to the computer you buy, these are all sold on the back of making you more attractive.  So if we choose to follow the promptings of advertisers and the consensus of local opinion then we can not help but draw sexually motivated attention to ourselves. If women(and men) then go on to add even more emphasis on their sexuality and are seen to be available then they are responsible for the reactions they cause in others.
 The argument that women have the right to dress in an overly sexually inviting way and then complain that they  elicit a negative reaction from the men around them is both wrong and naive.
 We all are judged, rightly or wrongly on how we dress, look and act.
 How many of you would walk passed these talking on your Blackberry, have your i-pad in hand and park your car next to where they are handing about? If you did and you were robbed and beaten are you in no way responsible for making poor judgement?

 

Its Not The Cough That Carries You Off....

 You will have to excuse the fits of spasmodic choking, the spluttering and the sprays of spittle that may come your way in the next few minutes but I have this terrible cough you see.
 Its been about six weeks now and yes I have seen the doctor, the result being

1. two lots of antibiotics
2. one lot of steroid tablets
3. two blue inhalers
4. a brown inhaler
5. a bubble
6. antihistamines
7. codine cough suppressant
8. antacids??
9. an xray
10. appointment to see a chest specialist.

So all in all its cost me close to £100.00 in prescription charges and trips to the hospital where parking costs £4.50 minimum stay of 3 hours..... and I am still coughing like I smoke 100 Camel full strength for breakfast.
My G.P is clueless as to what it could be and has referred me to a thoracic specialist and has suggested a C.T scan. Call me a worrier but the last time I heard of a cough resulting in the need for a C.t scan the guy had part of his lung removed!!

Next Step..

Iron Lung-a lot less fun than Iron Chef.

 Can you believe that this is what people had to go through in the "olden days"!

This got me thinking about the amaizing things that modern medicine can do now, if you need a new lund, heart, liver kidney or a whole host of body parts because yours doesnt work properly it seems all you have to do is get down your local hospital and have a chat with Doc Frankinstien and hey presto there a coolbox with the required "bits" sent down before you know it.

 On T.V recently there has been a program called "The Human Body" and in the last episode there was a guy who was badly burnt when he was trapped in his car as it exploded. He suffered 30% burns on his face but mostly on his hands. After many skin grafts and reconstruction surgery his face was restored back to this side of normal, obviously he still had signs that he had suffered burns but nothing like the horror that he looked after the accident. Unfortunately his hands were so badly burnt that they were barely usable, what was left of his fingers were nothing more than mangled stumps, imagine on a cartoon when you see some-one trap their hand and they pull out a mishmash of fingers all going in different directions then that's what this guys hands looked like.  So when the surgeons offered to sort them out for him he jumped at the chance although they were offering a never before tried procedure, double amputation and two donor hands!! 

 Before he could clap his hands together they had whipped them off and sewn on these "new" hands. Within a few hours he was moving "his" fingers and a few weeks was able to grip and grasp. 

Now was it just me or did it cross your mind too ......just how long did he wait for a little "personal  time"? would it be like some one else doing it for him or more like when you trap your arm and make it numb and have "a quick shuffle"? would it be really weird and would he have to say thank you to his hand donor and maybe put 15 quid in a charity box? 

 Anyways I digress, but it does raise all sorts of issues with accepting and giving donor parts. Would you want to give an alcoholic your liver, a smoker your lungs or a complete wanker your hands!

  

one each?

........Its The Coffin They Carry You Off In!!

Apologies if for at any time during this post I coughed and covered you in spittle, forget Spanish cucumbers people I could be "Patient 1" 

Its a RAT TRAP Billy........

.....And You've Been Caught!! 

I was going to post a pick but it was a bit gruesome. 

Strike 1 to me, now we will see if they got what it takes.

There is a whole line of little ratty body bags( Tesco carrier bags) just waiting to be filled.!!

Anyway  a big well done to the wife for disposal of the body.

What?...

You Dirty Rat!

AAARRGGH!!! 

I looked out of the patio doors and there it was....

 The little furry rodent just sat there eating away at a tray of sunflower seedlings! He obviously had seen me but decided that I posed little threat.....Ha how wrong!! 

Think again Ratfink!

I picked up a big old piece of paving stone and hurled it at him and crash splat!!!

Missed him by a country mile, 

Scored a direct hit though on a newly bought ceramic pot full of expensive day lillies. That £45 for the pot and £15 for the plants.

RATS!!  Indeed

At least I scared him off...........or so I thought but 5mins later he was back quite happily scurrying about looking at the broken pot as if I had done that for his benefit.

I swear he turned and looked at me with his beady little eye and  gave a little ratty wink!

WWWOOOOP      WWWOOOOP

DEFCOM 1

THIS IS WAR PEOPLE!!!

p.s I over heard my neighbours arguing about who should clear out their shed the other day, the wife called the husband a pussy for being scared of a few mice.....HAH mice?? Rats my dear!  thanks!!

TAG-- Your it!! part 10-26

Here goes for the second lot of soul searching, deep, meaningful and insightful Questions and Answers...


Q.11 What is your earliest memory?

 About 3.30 this morning when the curse of the friday night insomnia struck AGAIN!!
Going back into my childhood, I have a very clear and distinct memory of being pushed in my pram. Yeah Yeah you may say, but I must have been about 18 months old. I asked my mum a couple days ago if this really happened and it wasnt just a dream or induced memory and she came back after a few days and she has a vauge memory of the incident too. As she was pushing me across what was the edge of the moors on the outskirts of Oldham  Lancs, we came too a small stream and a little bridge that was no more than a couple of planks. As we crossed I was sat up in my old silver cross pram and looking down saw a dead cat in the water. I can still see its face now, eyes open staring back up at me. I knew it was dead and I guess the shock of it has burned itself into my brain and never left me. I can also remember in great detail the house we lived in at the time, down to the furniture and the colour of the walls. I even remember that one night there was a thunder and lightning storm and I was in bed crying and my mum came and took me down-stairs and there was a circus on t.v. ....result!

Q.12 What is your guiltiest pleasure?

 Dangerous question to ask a man, obviously apart from dressing up in the wife's underwear when she's out at the shops I would have to say spending 2 hours in the bath with a nice bottle of Pinot Nior,candles soft music and the Screwfix catalogue.

Q13. What do you owe your parents?

 To my mum, everything. The choices she made at times of great hardship have motivated me to do the best for my family. She taught me responsibility, not just for today but for tomorrow. She showed me that you don't have to measure your worth by what you acquire and that things with true value can never be bought. But most of all she showed just what can be achieved with hard work and determination.
 To my Dad, a slap. But as he is now dead then its a bit hard. I hadn't seen him since I was 14 and only found out last year that he died over 10 years ago. It may sound like I hate him but to be honest I have no real feelings for him so in my opinion its his loss, he lost out on his daughter and son plus three beautiful grandchildren. He is best off where he is.

Q 14. To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?

  Easy, to my wife and children. Why? because I can feel myself metamorphasising into a grumpy old man and as hard as I fight it I don't always win.

Q15 What or who is the greatest love of your life?

 Easy again, it has to be my wife. She is smart, funny and loyal.


Q. 16  What does love feel like?

It can make you smile unexpectedly and it can make you cry just as easily.

Q.17  What was the best kiss of your life?

Hmm, now this could get me into all sorts of trouble!  How does the saying go "a gentleman never tells". But I can tell you it was better than Shrek and Fiona's!

Q.18 Which words or phrases do you most over use?

Sorry...., C'mon were going to be late....., Ah go on then just one more then....

Q.19 What is the worst job you have done?

Working for a local supermarket when I first left school, I would have to put in 55 hours a week and work in sweatshop conditions for £50.00 a week. If we had worked hard enough  we were allowed to take home the out of date meat on a Saturday. Oh happy day!


Q.20 If you could edit your past what would you change?

As Edith Piaf growled "No.....No regrets".  The things that have happened to me make me who I am today and I am pretty comfortable with myself at the moment. The only thing I  would of liked is to have the assured confidence that the decisions I did make were right.
 Oh and of course that time when the wife returned home from shopping 1/2 hour earlier than expected!

Q.21 What is the closest you have come to death?

I was in Jamaica at a dancehall "party" in a field out the back of some derelict shops. There was about 500 people and the biggest sound system you have ever seen. Ninjaman and Shinehead were doing live p.a's when at about 3am a convoy of 6 quarry pick up lorries rolled up and about 600 people gate crashed the venue. There were people being chopped with machete's and gunfights, gang fights with bottles and knives. Then when the police turned up it took a serious turn for the worse, them boys don't mess when it comes to a bit of police brutality! As the only 2 tourists in the place we were lucky not to be the first against the wall. We were given an armed police escort and the longest scariest lecture by the police on a two mile walk back to the resort we were staying at. It made the national news and the papers the next day.

Q.22 What do you consider your greatest achievement ?

I would like to think that my children will be my greatest achievement, they are so far and I hope that they continue to make me as proud  in the future. Its also my 15th wedding anniversary this year.

Q.23 When did you last cry and why?

The night before I had an operation on my knee last year. I had an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to wake up from the anaesthetic, I guess it was a bit of a panic attack. I wasn't scared of dying it was the thoughts of how my family would deal with my death.
 And before that it was while watching Astro Boy with the kids, I must have been coming down with a cold or something....sniff, cough cough sniff!

Q.24 How do you relax?

I love plants, I can spend hours in nurseries. Then when it comes to combinations and creating a planting scheme its as if I am creating a living painting. The process is both exhilarating and relaxing and when you get it just right with all the subtle nuances then for me there is nothing more fulfilling. Strangely this works best for me when its done for some-one else, I find it frustrating and limiting in my own garden, I guess the "mistakes" become all I see.
Oh and a nice smoky single malt.


Q.25 What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?

 Without doubt two fully functioning knees. Through years of football, running, squash and general abuse I now find myself struggling to overcome a severe injury. Two years ago I snapped three ligaments in my knee during a football match, this has led to a total reconstruction of ligaments damaged and three subsequent operations I now find myself unable to run, kick a ball with the kids and on bad days, climb a flight of stairs. Painful yes, frustrating even more so.

Q.26 What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

 Just get on with it!!

So all the online psychoanalysts will be wetting themselves about now just wishing they could have a proper crack at this nut!


Feel free to have a go at this one if you so wish, pick the ones you want.
I would like to tag......

Steve at Bloggertropolis
Veg at The Vegetable  Assassin
John at Going Gently

TAG-- Your it!! part 1-10

 I have been tagged by the very talented and beautiful Suzanne over at Skybluesea Skybluesea. (I hear thats the way you  have to start these kind of posts, its the law or something) .
 In this case though the above is true so go over and have a look at her stuff, she is a textile artist that dabbles in other media. She also has an Etsy shop with some very pretty jewellery. Her blog is filled with images of her work and her life but it is more than just a shop window, it is often charming and touching. This is NOT  a sponsored post, no money has changed hands, no cake , beer or  chocolate has been passed discreetly in brown paper bags at motorway service stations. Go on over and have a look and tell her "Joe sent ya"

Deep Blue by Suzanne

 Suzanne tagged me I guess because although we have know each other for 20 odd years we have not been in touch for about 16 of them! so she is keen to see if I am still the suave urbane man-about-town I once was.

 So Here Goes.....

Q1. Which living person do you most admire, and why?
      Tricky this one, its probably the person that has had the greatest influence on my life, my mother.
At first glance it would seem a weak and predictable choice, but she has endured a difficult and hard life. In 1972 she was beaten and left for dead by my father, after extensive surgery she ran away and hid for 8 years in a small desolate farm in North Wales, she spent the first 6 months recovering from massive physical and psychological damage but every day she struggled  with the help of  friends to rescue her two children aged 4(sis) and 2(me) from her husband and the care system. Although we lived in what was a picturesque rural location every day she was in fear of my father finding us and taking us away, and as the only two mixed race children in a 100 mile radius we were somewhat exposed. During  all this time her parents and brother and sister refused to support her saying she had "brought it on herself for marrying a black man". She stayed strong in her belief that she was a mother and it was her role to give her children the best she could, not in a material way but in her love and attention. Its only when I have become a parent that I realised just how difficult it must have been for her to raise two young children alone and in fear.
Over the years she has battled cancer and bouts of depression yet through all of this she still remains positive and focused on her responsibility.  I am very glad to say that now she has a fulfilling and happy life, enjoying the joys of being a grandma and living a calm and healthy life.

Q.2 When were you last happiest?

As mentioned before it is a real blessing to be able to be happy "in the moment". I  tend to look back on events and say that those were happy times, but in answer to the question, last week walking in the woods and rolling hills around the Weald in Sussex.

Q.3 What is your most embarrassing moment?

 I am blessed and cursed with the inability to get embarrassed. This leads to me getting into potentially embarrassing situations all the time. I have always had an ambition to become qualified as a scuba diver, so when at the age of 18 I received my first credit card the first thing I did was go shopping and max it out on a wetsuit, flippers snorkel and mask. Not really thinking it through, I had all the gear but no money for lessons. No problem I thought  I was a strong swimmer and I had the gear all I really needed was a suitable stretch of water. I was living in north Manchester at the time and as its 60 miles from the nearest coast my friend and I decide that the best place to go would be in the boating lake in a near by park. So we humped all our kit on the bus to Mosses Gate country Park. When we arrived we were really excited as this was to be the christening of our kit and the start of our careers as underwater explorers. After20 sweaty minutes of struggling into our wetsuits and kit, suffering jeers from passing youths and amassing quite a crowd of younger kids asking questions and laughing we were ready. All our safety checks were done, dive plan arranged and last minute nerves overcome with a Navy Seals "Boo --Yah" we set off wading in to the water. As the water  rose from above our shins to above our knees we excitedly exchanged the "o.k" sings to each other, the water now was at our waist  and we had kicked up a cloud of silt. We pushed on and decided that rather than wading we should start to swim out, so we literally took the plunge. After 20meters of "finning" we were still kicking up silt and it was impossible to see anything so I stopped and tried to tread water, my fins touched the gloopy silt at the bottom of the lake and realised that I could stand. It turned out that the water never got past 3 feet deep and that the lake and indeed the whole park was built over a refuse landfill site and the water contained some pretty nasty bacteria. The result was that after 3 days of horrendous vomiting and diarrhoea  it was ages before I went diving again, the stench of the silt never came out of the wet suit.


Q.4 Aside from property, what is the most expensive thing you have bought?

 If by expensive you mean could least afford then probably the wetsuit and equipment from above. At the time it was probably about half my annual wage and on the credit card repayment took about 7 years to pay off!

Q.4 What is your most treasured possession?

I don't tend to "collect" things with sentimental attachment. I have a toy bunny with one arm (parachuting accident) that I have had from being 3. Probably the the thing I have which gives me the greatest pleasure is my garden.  oh and my children...of course.

Q.5 Where would you like to live?

I would love to split my time between Iceland, a little old fashioned ( but warm) tin house just outside Reykjavik for winter, and for summer and sunshine probably a Greek island in a minimalist white  house like this..

Ten different kinds of awesome! 

Q.6 What is your favourite smell?

After "napalm in the mornings", I guess it would have to be Versace Versus aftershave. Its one I got years ago and is really tricky to get hold of now but when I smell it it takes me back to some of the best times in my life

Scratch and sniff....mmmmm!

 Q.7 Who would play you in a film of your life?

 Difficult this one, Richard Roundtree the 1970's Shaft, or Denzel Washington would be nice.

Q.8 What is your favourite book?

 Probably got to be "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" a trilogy in 5 parts, 6 if you count the "And Another Thing" but we don't really talk about that.  Shallow, I know but its the one(ok 5) I can pick up and read again and again, there aren't many books that I can do that with. I love the works of Asimov, Philip K Dick and other 1950's short story scifi writers. 

Q.9 What is your most unappealing habit?

 Where do we start....the nose picking, the bad tempered shouting, farting, holding onto the remote control or the constant loosing things in plain sight? Probably none of the above , they are all inherent of every male so I would have to say the worst of my habits has to be being patronising, but you dont have to worry your little head over that.

Q.10 What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

 I would love to go as The Silver surfer from the old D.C comics, fab.

"Is there somewhere I can put my board?"

 

 There are another set of questions to follow so if you are so inclined, please come back ya hear!

Feel What I Feel, When I Feel What I Feel...

The sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah,

 makes you wanna' move your dancin' feet.

Its only April and its......

SUMMER -- SUMMER -- TIME!

  

and for a little less "cheese"

Like my ol' mamma used to say..

Enjoy it while it lasts !!

Serve and volley

  

Now, Got my keys, locked the door, turned the gas off...I just can't think what I'm forgetting?

As the weather has been so nice here these last few days summer seems to have come (lets hope not gone too) all of a sudden. The air is thick with the smoke of BBQ's and the recycling boxes overflowing with empty cans of Fosters. The noise was deafening on Wednesday morning when the bin man emptied the bottle box, a 1000 empty Pinot Griggio tumbled into the bin lorry. The sun beat down and temperatures soared to 22degrees that is 74degrees in "old money" so naturally thoughts turned to out door sports. Our local park has three all weather tennis courts, they are a mix of tarmac gravel and glass but give them their due the locals being the tough breed that they are play on without complaint. Although the Tennis "Season" usually lasts the two weeks in June that Wimbledon is on the telly, you cant for the life of you get a go on the courts at the moment. So as its the holidays and the girls have been going on about playing I decide to treat them to a game at the local tennis club, they have very nice grass courts locked away behind 25ft metal fence with razor wire along the top. 

 Call me a tight fisted old miser if you like but £20.00 for an hour is a little extortionate, especially when, and I am being gracious when I say, they stood there swinging the racquet around like they were swatting fly's. In the hour they must have hit the ball 10 times, 3 times the ball managed to clear the fence, 6 times it went on the next court and only once did it clear the net and land within the lines. Not the calmest hour of my life trying to get them to hit the ball back to me without either injuring themselves or doing little girly screams and jumping out the way when ball came near them. 

Have you noticed that as soon as the sun comes out all the pretty girls appear? Well with this in mind I wore my best mirrored shade's to the tennis club sure in the belief that there was going to be a little eye candy as per the above pic, alas this is what we were greeted with....

DOUBLE FAULT!

Almost had to put the shades on backwards!

 I think I will take them Bowling next.

Behind the scenes...II

I also found this...

 Miss Stockport 2010

"Come to sort out my pipes you say.... well you had best come up then"

This is a genuine photo from Katie Miles's portfolio. I think the pornographer photographer uses this as the starting scene in many of his shoots.

(Apologies to Katie, I am not implying anything other than maybe a different photographer)