Mugged...

 

Have any of you noticed that at certain petrol stations you can not get the amount of petrol you want?

Now I am not talking about how in some of the more "seedy" eastern European countries you have to queue for 3 days for  a cup petrol and then sell them a kidney.
 No its craftier than that,
 Our local Sainsbury is huge, no no it is properly mahoosive. Its about 3 acres inside and not only that it has a Marks and Spencer attatched that is of a similar size. Its location on the M25 junction 22 gives it prime location not just for destination shoppers but as a service  stop for passing motorists. On a weekend the place is so busy that you queue 20 mins to get in and out of the site, its open 24 hours a day and only closed last year on Christmas and Boxing Day. It is the modern day embodiment of the goddess Artemis..

Come all you hungry and suckle at my many titiies!

There is nothing wrong with success as it is obviously doing very well ....BUT, what I can not abide is the  sneaky greedy ways they have of screwing that extra penny out of me.

 Every time now for the past few months when I fill up at the petrol station I always aim to get £30.00 of fuel, I find this lasts about a week and is generally what most average users buy. So how is it, and its not just me others have started to notice too, that when you fill up to £29.99 the digital counter reads in increments of 1p but all of a sudden SKIPS £30.00 to £30.01. It is IMPOSSIBLE to dispense £30.00, the machine just wont allow it, believe me I have made it a mission to get £30.00 but it just wont have it. 

 There are 30 pumps, busy from morning till night and if each one is doing this, adding a sneaky penny to a bill then...

 At an average rate of 20 customers an hour each pump would make 20p x that by 24 hours and each punp would make £4.80 per day.  X that by 30 pumps thats £144.00 per day... X that by a month £4320.00.... X that by 12 months and all of a sudden our added extra pennies becomes £51,840.00 a year.

 From ONE petrol station!!!!! 

That would be enough to employ some one who actually spoke English, could afford deodorant and knew how to work the till, yet alas no.

How many other of Sainsbury's petrol stations are doing this, who knows? 

But what I do know is that it is wrong.....

..AND I WANT MY PENNY BACK!!!

So yeah right, Where was I...

 So after a somewhat protracted absence on this here blog I am once again the returning hero. Just like in the old westerns when the gun slinger leaves town under  a cloud, accused of cowardice, only to return all guns blazing and shooting up the place....

Well Hang on to your hats buddy cos PIOW PIOW PIOOWWW!!

So where you been? What you been doin? I here one person ask(thanks its nice to be missed)..

• Being not very well a lot, but much better now.
• Trying to look after 3 kids a home and remain sane as wife goes out to work full time.
• Exams.
• Working for the most difficult customer in the world. 
• Putting on weight.

  Not very exciting I know, but it has given me time to think and refocus on what I  need to do and what I want to do. Some times that loosing control of your life, the inability to do what you want when you want, is a break to the routine we settle into and find almost impossible to get out of.

 As you will have read here I started feeling un well a while ago and as the coughing got worse and the treatment got less and less affective and people started to ask if I was "all-right?", I began to worry a bit. After seeing a consultant I was run through some tests, a CTscan, x-rays, bronchoscopy and lung function tests. Now during this time I lost 2 1/2 stone (40lb apx), and not being heavy this showed quite alarmingly. I was also coughing in spasm until vomiting(sorry) several times a day and was unable to walk a flight of stairs without having to rest part way up. Worrying times all round, my family were concerned, my friends were concerned even the doctors were concerned..... I received a call from my G.P who said I needed to make an urgent appointment with her as some of my test results had come back and they needed to go through the findings. Now I was really concerned, only a couple days earlier a friend of mine had had a similar call from her G.P and she was informed she had breast cancer. At the appointment he G.P showed me a chest X-ray  that showed lots of grey dots over 3/4 of both lungs, "not good" was her words. A CT scan showed similar nodules covering half of both lungs and lots of fluid, according to her I was functioning on 1/3 lung function. Then she said that without the full set of results and particularly the biopsy results that she couldn't make a definite diagnosis but she was concerned that this was something serious. OH CRAP!! worst case scenario runs through my mind.    "What are we talking Doc, weeks, months...?"  She then chases the other results only to be informed that as she was not the doctor to order the tests she can not have access to the results until the consultant has seen them first and passes them down the chain of command to her. So a wait of a week before I get to see the consultant all the while living each day as though it could be my last. When i get to see him he breezes in all cheery and says that all my tests are back and there's good news and bad news... "yes, yes get on with it!!".. the good news is its NOT CANCER!!!! the bad news.... I didn't really hear much past that. I had been expecting the worst, I was prepared to hear it, I had come to terms with it and now here I was being told not to worry everything was going to be all right. I haven't cried for many years but I am not too proud to say I shed a tear sat there in his office. 

" The bad new is"...."you have a condition that presents itself with all the symptoms of lung cancer" ahhh ok. not so good then..."But is something that we can treat and in some cases we can reduce the symptoms to such a degree that all you will notice is sometimes a shortness of breath and will need an inhaler"...

 It turns out that I have Sarcoidosis, after putting me on a very strong course of steroids and various other drugs to combat some of the side effects I am now feeling much better. I have beeen   on these for a month and in that time I have stopped coughing, am able to function reasonably normal and can walk stairs without having to stop or chuck up. I have done a bit of research and am aware that it is a condition that varies in its effects according to how your body is dealing with it on a day to day basis, as with all auto immune conditions its a case of managing rather than curing. So with a good system of control, healthy diet, exercise and lots of tablets I should be fine.

 What I have discovered is that if I go to bed before 10:30pm I sleep for an hour and am then awake until going to bed the next night only to get another hours sleep and being up all night again. So as a means of getting me through the night  I will no doubt be churning out lots more drivel over the next few months at god forsaken hours. In the past 72 hours I have had three and a half hours sleep, I feel fine but my temper is shorter than Gary Colman.

What the F@*K you talkin bout Willis!!

I even found a forum for people who discuss weather presenters on local tv stations in the Uk and they were complaining that they were not qualified meteorologists..... Yes some harsh comments were left on that forum baby!   Trolling is the new Hobby.

Its not my fault!!

  Recent news articles and radio programs have covered the growing backlash to the comments made by a policeman in Toronto. He was speaking on a college campus about the need for personal security and the ways in which women in particular can help protect themselves from becoming the victims of crime. He stated that if a woman wanted to lessen the risk of being raped then she should "not dress like a slut".
 From this comment arose the Slut Walks organised across America, Canada, Britain and Australia to "reclaim" the word "slut" and highlight the fact that women should be able to wear clothes  that are "sexy" and "revealing" and not be blamed if they become the target of sexual assault and rape.
 Lets get one thing clear from the start here and that is, to sexually abuse, assault and rape is never justified. It is wrong and the perpetrators of such crimes need to be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law, and in some cases further than the lenient judicial system allows.
 But the attitude of some of the protesters and women that publicised the events makes me question there motives and not to put too blunt a point on it their sanity.
 They are of the opinion that women are not in any way responsible for the way that other people will interact with them based on how they look and how they dress. In one case a woman was questioned and said that "if I wanted to I should be able to walk down the street naked and not fear any sexual harassment or assault".  If we lived in an an ideal world she has a point, however we do not. The society we live in is constantly bombarding us with images of beauty and sexual attraction. From the food we eat to the car you drive, from the shampoo you use to the computer you buy, these are all sold on the back of making you more attractive.  So if we choose to follow the promptings of advertisers and the consensus of local opinion then we can not help but draw sexually motivated attention to ourselves. If women(and men) then go on to add even more emphasis on their sexuality and are seen to be available then they are responsible for the reactions they cause in others.
 The argument that women have the right to dress in an overly sexually inviting way and then complain that they  elicit a negative reaction from the men around them is both wrong and naive.
 We all are judged, rightly or wrongly on how we dress, look and act.
 How many of you would walk passed these talking on your Blackberry, have your i-pad in hand and park your car next to where they are handing about? If you did and you were robbed and beaten are you in no way responsible for making poor judgement?

 

Its Not The Cough That Carries You Off....

 You will have to excuse the fits of spasmodic choking, the spluttering and the sprays of spittle that may come your way in the next few minutes but I have this terrible cough you see.
 Its been about six weeks now and yes I have seen the doctor, the result being

1. two lots of antibiotics
2. one lot of steroid tablets
3. two blue inhalers
4. a brown inhaler
5. a bubble
6. antihistamines
7. codine cough suppressant
8. antacids??
9. an xray
10. appointment to see a chest specialist.

So all in all its cost me close to £100.00 in prescription charges and trips to the hospital where parking costs £4.50 minimum stay of 3 hours..... and I am still coughing like I smoke 100 Camel full strength for breakfast.
My G.P is clueless as to what it could be and has referred me to a thoracic specialist and has suggested a C.T scan. Call me a worrier but the last time I heard of a cough resulting in the need for a C.t scan the guy had part of his lung removed!!

Next Step..

Iron Lung-a lot less fun than Iron Chef.

 Can you believe that this is what people had to go through in the "olden days"!

This got me thinking about the amaizing things that modern medicine can do now, if you need a new lund, heart, liver kidney or a whole host of body parts because yours doesnt work properly it seems all you have to do is get down your local hospital and have a chat with Doc Frankinstien and hey presto there a coolbox with the required "bits" sent down before you know it.

 On T.V recently there has been a program called "The Human Body" and in the last episode there was a guy who was badly burnt when he was trapped in his car as it exploded. He suffered 30% burns on his face but mostly on his hands. After many skin grafts and reconstruction surgery his face was restored back to this side of normal, obviously he still had signs that he had suffered burns but nothing like the horror that he looked after the accident. Unfortunately his hands were so badly burnt that they were barely usable, what was left of his fingers were nothing more than mangled stumps, imagine on a cartoon when you see some-one trap their hand and they pull out a mishmash of fingers all going in different directions then that's what this guys hands looked like.  So when the surgeons offered to sort them out for him he jumped at the chance although they were offering a never before tried procedure, double amputation and two donor hands!! 

 Before he could clap his hands together they had whipped them off and sewn on these "new" hands. Within a few hours he was moving "his" fingers and a few weeks was able to grip and grasp. 

Now was it just me or did it cross your mind too ......just how long did he wait for a little "personal  time"? would it be like some one else doing it for him or more like when you trap your arm and make it numb and have "a quick shuffle"? would it be really weird and would he have to say thank you to his hand donor and maybe put 15 quid in a charity box? 

 Anyways I digress, but it does raise all sorts of issues with accepting and giving donor parts. Would you want to give an alcoholic your liver, a smoker your lungs or a complete wanker your hands!

  

one each?

........Its The Coffin They Carry You Off In!!

Apologies if for at any time during this post I coughed and covered you in spittle, forget Spanish cucumbers people I could be "Patient 1" 

Its a RAT TRAP Billy........

.....And You've Been Caught!! 

I was going to post a pick but it was a bit gruesome. 

Strike 1 to me, now we will see if they got what it takes.

There is a whole line of little ratty body bags( Tesco carrier bags) just waiting to be filled.!!

Anyway  a big well done to the wife for disposal of the body.

What?...

You Dirty Rat!

AAARRGGH!!! 

I looked out of the patio doors and there it was....

 The little furry rodent just sat there eating away at a tray of sunflower seedlings! He obviously had seen me but decided that I posed little threat.....Ha how wrong!! 

Think again Ratfink!

I picked up a big old piece of paving stone and hurled it at him and crash splat!!!

Missed him by a country mile, 

Scored a direct hit though on a newly bought ceramic pot full of expensive day lillies. That £45 for the pot and £15 for the plants.

RATS!!  Indeed

At least I scared him off...........or so I thought but 5mins later he was back quite happily scurrying about looking at the broken pot as if I had done that for his benefit.

I swear he turned and looked at me with his beady little eye and  gave a little ratty wink!

WWWOOOOP      WWWOOOOP

DEFCOM 1

THIS IS WAR PEOPLE!!!

p.s I over heard my neighbours arguing about who should clear out their shed the other day, the wife called the husband a pussy for being scared of a few mice.....HAH mice?? Rats my dear!  thanks!!

TAG-- Your it!! part 10-26

Here goes for the second lot of soul searching, deep, meaningful and insightful Questions and Answers...


Q.11 What is your earliest memory?

 About 3.30 this morning when the curse of the friday night insomnia struck AGAIN!!
Going back into my childhood, I have a very clear and distinct memory of being pushed in my pram. Yeah Yeah you may say, but I must have been about 18 months old. I asked my mum a couple days ago if this really happened and it wasnt just a dream or induced memory and she came back after a few days and she has a vauge memory of the incident too. As she was pushing me across what was the edge of the moors on the outskirts of Oldham  Lancs, we came too a small stream and a little bridge that was no more than a couple of planks. As we crossed I was sat up in my old silver cross pram and looking down saw a dead cat in the water. I can still see its face now, eyes open staring back up at me. I knew it was dead and I guess the shock of it has burned itself into my brain and never left me. I can also remember in great detail the house we lived in at the time, down to the furniture and the colour of the walls. I even remember that one night there was a thunder and lightning storm and I was in bed crying and my mum came and took me down-stairs and there was a circus on t.v. ....result!

Q.12 What is your guiltiest pleasure?

 Dangerous question to ask a man, obviously apart from dressing up in the wife's underwear when she's out at the shops I would have to say spending 2 hours in the bath with a nice bottle of Pinot Nior,candles soft music and the Screwfix catalogue.

Q13. What do you owe your parents?

 To my mum, everything. The choices she made at times of great hardship have motivated me to do the best for my family. She taught me responsibility, not just for today but for tomorrow. She showed me that you don't have to measure your worth by what you acquire and that things with true value can never be bought. But most of all she showed just what can be achieved with hard work and determination.
 To my Dad, a slap. But as he is now dead then its a bit hard. I hadn't seen him since I was 14 and only found out last year that he died over 10 years ago. It may sound like I hate him but to be honest I have no real feelings for him so in my opinion its his loss, he lost out on his daughter and son plus three beautiful grandchildren. He is best off where he is.

Q 14. To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?

  Easy, to my wife and children. Why? because I can feel myself metamorphasising into a grumpy old man and as hard as I fight it I don't always win.

Q15 What or who is the greatest love of your life?

 Easy again, it has to be my wife. She is smart, funny and loyal.


Q. 16  What does love feel like?

It can make you smile unexpectedly and it can make you cry just as easily.

Q.17  What was the best kiss of your life?

Hmm, now this could get me into all sorts of trouble!  How does the saying go "a gentleman never tells". But I can tell you it was better than Shrek and Fiona's!

Q.18 Which words or phrases do you most over use?

Sorry...., C'mon were going to be late....., Ah go on then just one more then....

Q.19 What is the worst job you have done?

Working for a local supermarket when I first left school, I would have to put in 55 hours a week and work in sweatshop conditions for £50.00 a week. If we had worked hard enough  we were allowed to take home the out of date meat on a Saturday. Oh happy day!


Q.20 If you could edit your past what would you change?

As Edith Piaf growled "No.....No regrets".  The things that have happened to me make me who I am today and I am pretty comfortable with myself at the moment. The only thing I  would of liked is to have the assured confidence that the decisions I did make were right.
 Oh and of course that time when the wife returned home from shopping 1/2 hour earlier than expected!

Q.21 What is the closest you have come to death?

I was in Jamaica at a dancehall "party" in a field out the back of some derelict shops. There was about 500 people and the biggest sound system you have ever seen. Ninjaman and Shinehead were doing live p.a's when at about 3am a convoy of 6 quarry pick up lorries rolled up and about 600 people gate crashed the venue. There were people being chopped with machete's and gunfights, gang fights with bottles and knives. Then when the police turned up it took a serious turn for the worse, them boys don't mess when it comes to a bit of police brutality! As the only 2 tourists in the place we were lucky not to be the first against the wall. We were given an armed police escort and the longest scariest lecture by the police on a two mile walk back to the resort we were staying at. It made the national news and the papers the next day.

Q.22 What do you consider your greatest achievement ?

I would like to think that my children will be my greatest achievement, they are so far and I hope that they continue to make me as proud  in the future. Its also my 15th wedding anniversary this year.

Q.23 When did you last cry and why?

The night before I had an operation on my knee last year. I had an overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to wake up from the anaesthetic, I guess it was a bit of a panic attack. I wasn't scared of dying it was the thoughts of how my family would deal with my death.
 And before that it was while watching Astro Boy with the kids, I must have been coming down with a cold or something....sniff, cough cough sniff!

Q.24 How do you relax?

I love plants, I can spend hours in nurseries. Then when it comes to combinations and creating a planting scheme its as if I am creating a living painting. The process is both exhilarating and relaxing and when you get it just right with all the subtle nuances then for me there is nothing more fulfilling. Strangely this works best for me when its done for some-one else, I find it frustrating and limiting in my own garden, I guess the "mistakes" become all I see.
Oh and a nice smoky single malt.


Q.25 What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?

 Without doubt two fully functioning knees. Through years of football, running, squash and general abuse I now find myself struggling to overcome a severe injury. Two years ago I snapped three ligaments in my knee during a football match, this has led to a total reconstruction of ligaments damaged and three subsequent operations I now find myself unable to run, kick a ball with the kids and on bad days, climb a flight of stairs. Painful yes, frustrating even more so.

Q.26 What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

 Just get on with it!!

So all the online psychoanalysts will be wetting themselves about now just wishing they could have a proper crack at this nut!


Feel free to have a go at this one if you so wish, pick the ones you want.
I would like to tag......

Steve at Bloggertropolis
Veg at The Vegetable  Assassin
John at Going Gently

TAG-- Your it!! part 1-10

 I have been tagged by the very talented and beautiful Suzanne over at Skybluesea Skybluesea. (I hear thats the way you  have to start these kind of posts, its the law or something) .
 In this case though the above is true so go over and have a look at her stuff, she is a textile artist that dabbles in other media. She also has an Etsy shop with some very pretty jewellery. Her blog is filled with images of her work and her life but it is more than just a shop window, it is often charming and touching. This is NOT  a sponsored post, no money has changed hands, no cake , beer or  chocolate has been passed discreetly in brown paper bags at motorway service stations. Go on over and have a look and tell her "Joe sent ya"

Deep Blue by Suzanne

 Suzanne tagged me I guess because although we have know each other for 20 odd years we have not been in touch for about 16 of them! so she is keen to see if I am still the suave urbane man-about-town I once was.

 So Here Goes.....

Q1. Which living person do you most admire, and why?
      Tricky this one, its probably the person that has had the greatest influence on my life, my mother.
At first glance it would seem a weak and predictable choice, but she has endured a difficult and hard life. In 1972 she was beaten and left for dead by my father, after extensive surgery she ran away and hid for 8 years in a small desolate farm in North Wales, she spent the first 6 months recovering from massive physical and psychological damage but every day she struggled  with the help of  friends to rescue her two children aged 4(sis) and 2(me) from her husband and the care system. Although we lived in what was a picturesque rural location every day she was in fear of my father finding us and taking us away, and as the only two mixed race children in a 100 mile radius we were somewhat exposed. During  all this time her parents and brother and sister refused to support her saying she had "brought it on herself for marrying a black man". She stayed strong in her belief that she was a mother and it was her role to give her children the best she could, not in a material way but in her love and attention. Its only when I have become a parent that I realised just how difficult it must have been for her to raise two young children alone and in fear.
Over the years she has battled cancer and bouts of depression yet through all of this she still remains positive and focused on her responsibility.  I am very glad to say that now she has a fulfilling and happy life, enjoying the joys of being a grandma and living a calm and healthy life.

Q.2 When were you last happiest?

As mentioned before it is a real blessing to be able to be happy "in the moment". I  tend to look back on events and say that those were happy times, but in answer to the question, last week walking in the woods and rolling hills around the Weald in Sussex.

Q.3 What is your most embarrassing moment?

 I am blessed and cursed with the inability to get embarrassed. This leads to me getting into potentially embarrassing situations all the time. I have always had an ambition to become qualified as a scuba diver, so when at the age of 18 I received my first credit card the first thing I did was go shopping and max it out on a wetsuit, flippers snorkel and mask. Not really thinking it through, I had all the gear but no money for lessons. No problem I thought  I was a strong swimmer and I had the gear all I really needed was a suitable stretch of water. I was living in north Manchester at the time and as its 60 miles from the nearest coast my friend and I decide that the best place to go would be in the boating lake in a near by park. So we humped all our kit on the bus to Mosses Gate country Park. When we arrived we were really excited as this was to be the christening of our kit and the start of our careers as underwater explorers. After20 sweaty minutes of struggling into our wetsuits and kit, suffering jeers from passing youths and amassing quite a crowd of younger kids asking questions and laughing we were ready. All our safety checks were done, dive plan arranged and last minute nerves overcome with a Navy Seals "Boo --Yah" we set off wading in to the water. As the water  rose from above our shins to above our knees we excitedly exchanged the "o.k" sings to each other, the water now was at our waist  and we had kicked up a cloud of silt. We pushed on and decided that rather than wading we should start to swim out, so we literally took the plunge. After 20meters of "finning" we were still kicking up silt and it was impossible to see anything so I stopped and tried to tread water, my fins touched the gloopy silt at the bottom of the lake and realised that I could stand. It turned out that the water never got past 3 feet deep and that the lake and indeed the whole park was built over a refuse landfill site and the water contained some pretty nasty bacteria. The result was that after 3 days of horrendous vomiting and diarrhoea  it was ages before I went diving again, the stench of the silt never came out of the wet suit.


Q.4 Aside from property, what is the most expensive thing you have bought?

 If by expensive you mean could least afford then probably the wetsuit and equipment from above. At the time it was probably about half my annual wage and on the credit card repayment took about 7 years to pay off!

Q.4 What is your most treasured possession?

I don't tend to "collect" things with sentimental attachment. I have a toy bunny with one arm (parachuting accident) that I have had from being 3. Probably the the thing I have which gives me the greatest pleasure is my garden.  oh and my children...of course.

Q.5 Where would you like to live?

I would love to split my time between Iceland, a little old fashioned ( but warm) tin house just outside Reykjavik for winter, and for summer and sunshine probably a Greek island in a minimalist white  house like this..

Ten different kinds of awesome! 

Q.6 What is your favourite smell?

After "napalm in the mornings", I guess it would have to be Versace Versus aftershave. Its one I got years ago and is really tricky to get hold of now but when I smell it it takes me back to some of the best times in my life

Scratch and sniff....mmmmm!

 Q.7 Who would play you in a film of your life?

 Difficult this one, Richard Roundtree the 1970's Shaft, or Denzel Washington would be nice.

Q.8 What is your favourite book?

 Probably got to be "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" a trilogy in 5 parts, 6 if you count the "And Another Thing" but we don't really talk about that.  Shallow, I know but its the one(ok 5) I can pick up and read again and again, there aren't many books that I can do that with. I love the works of Asimov, Philip K Dick and other 1950's short story scifi writers. 

Q.9 What is your most unappealing habit?

 Where do we start....the nose picking, the bad tempered shouting, farting, holding onto the remote control or the constant loosing things in plain sight? Probably none of the above , they are all inherent of every male so I would have to say the worst of my habits has to be being patronising, but you dont have to worry your little head over that.

Q.10 What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

 I would love to go as The Silver surfer from the old D.C comics, fab.

"Is there somewhere I can put my board?"

 

 There are another set of questions to follow so if you are so inclined, please come back ya hear!

Feel What I Feel, When I Feel What I Feel...

The sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah,

 makes you wanna' move your dancin' feet.

Its only April and its......

SUMMER -- SUMMER -- TIME!

  

and for a little less "cheese"

Like my ol' mamma used to say..

Enjoy it while it lasts !!

Serve and volley

  

Now, Got my keys, locked the door, turned the gas off...I just can't think what I'm forgetting?

As the weather has been so nice here these last few days summer seems to have come (lets hope not gone too) all of a sudden. The air is thick with the smoke of BBQ's and the recycling boxes overflowing with empty cans of Fosters. The noise was deafening on Wednesday morning when the bin man emptied the bottle box, a 1000 empty Pinot Griggio tumbled into the bin lorry. The sun beat down and temperatures soared to 22degrees that is 74degrees in "old money" so naturally thoughts turned to out door sports. Our local park has three all weather tennis courts, they are a mix of tarmac gravel and glass but give them their due the locals being the tough breed that they are play on without complaint. Although the Tennis "Season" usually lasts the two weeks in June that Wimbledon is on the telly, you cant for the life of you get a go on the courts at the moment. So as its the holidays and the girls have been going on about playing I decide to treat them to a game at the local tennis club, they have very nice grass courts locked away behind 25ft metal fence with razor wire along the top. 

 Call me a tight fisted old miser if you like but £20.00 for an hour is a little extortionate, especially when, and I am being gracious when I say, they stood there swinging the racquet around like they were swatting fly's. In the hour they must have hit the ball 10 times, 3 times the ball managed to clear the fence, 6 times it went on the next court and only once did it clear the net and land within the lines. Not the calmest hour of my life trying to get them to hit the ball back to me without either injuring themselves or doing little girly screams and jumping out the way when ball came near them. 

Have you noticed that as soon as the sun comes out all the pretty girls appear? Well with this in mind I wore my best mirrored shade's to the tennis club sure in the belief that there was going to be a little eye candy as per the above pic, alas this is what we were greeted with....

DOUBLE FAULT!

Almost had to put the shades on backwards!

 I think I will take them Bowling next.

Behind the scenes...II

I also found this...

 Miss Stockport 2010

"Come to sort out my pipes you say.... well you had best come up then"

This is a genuine photo from Katie Miles's portfolio. I think the pornographer photographer uses this as the starting scene in many of his shoots.

(Apologies to Katie, I am not implying anything other than maybe a different photographer)

Behind the scenes

 In "research" for the previous post I googled "MISS MARPLE 2010" and got this.... (For those that don't know Marple is a little town/village just outside Stockport, Cheshire.Uk.)
.......those of a squeamish disposition scroll down quickly NOW.

Miss Marple 2009 & 2010

Yes, a fine selection.

This Merry England

 We have had some interesting debate recently about what it means to be English. As Britain is made up of four countries in one (England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland) we have a bit of an identity problem. A bit like a four way schizophrenic. This does have its benefits, an excuse to drink ourself into oblivion- St Patrick's day, Hogmaney, St George's day and whatever the Welsh celebrate and drink to (mostly to forget that they live in Wales!).
 However due to our welcoming immigration laws we seem to have adopted more cultures into our own. Some feel threatened that we are being "diluted"  and other question their national identity, all to the detriment of in this case, being English. We have what we call "National Institutions" Cricket, Warm Beer, Best Kept Village competitions, Stiff Upper Lip kind of stuff,  middle class predominantly white, all very genteel. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this at all, in fact its idyllic. A whole industry has grown up around  the desire for a country life, as well as a dearth of second rate t.v programs.
 There is one such program that has recently cause a storm, albeit in a bone china tea cup, about the inclusion of Black and Asian  characters in a popular Sunday evening program called "Midsummer Murders".  The premise of the show is that its set in a fictional (very important) village populated by such people as "The Colonel" and "Ms Sourtits" the spinster, "Mr Givinitaway" the antique dealer and "Johnson" the gardener, all very upstanding citizens from somewhere c. 1950. Until recently I thought it was set in "the olden days" but apparently its not. The writer of the show made comment that he didn't want to include any Black or Asian characters as it would spoil the feel or the "Englishness" of the program. This resulted in claim and counter-claim of racism and political correctness going too far.
 As a work of fiction then its up to the writer to construct a story populated with characters from his or her imagination, so if Mr True-May , the writer of Midsummer Murders wants to portray his fictional village in this way then its up to him. This does not make him racist, its up to him to decide who and what appears in his story, if you don't like it or cant relate then don't watch, simple.

 However there has been reports of a new film that takes a character that was clearly described and written in such a way to create a persona that has been changed to such a degree that she is no longer recognisable in the efforts to "Sex" her up.

 From This

To This

Not actual film footage....sorry.

 Now, when Agatha Christie wrote her series of books about the adventures of Miss Marple she was a little old lady who everyone thought of a s a bit of a busy body but quite harmless only to be exposed by her rapier mind and powers of deduction. Not once did they look at her and go "Phwoar I'd give her one", unless of course they were a bit kinky that way. The casting of Jenifer Garner as sweet old Miss Marple is just wrong!! Yes Miss Marple is very "English", she doesn't work as young, American, Black, Asian and certainly not SEXY.(apologies to Joan Hickson, I am sure you were very fine in your prime). (just googled young Joan Hickson and I take that last comment back...sorry).

 It seems in the quest to become more Tolerant we have crossed the line between fact and fiction. 

What Next?

Portrayed by

Oh No, No, No!

  

Land Of The Rising Sun..

 Why is it that Monday to Friday you wake up and feel that you have just got into bed turned over and got out again? Yet come the weekend when you can justify a bit of a lay in bed you wake up at 5:30 am full of life and cant for the life of you get back to sleep?
 I have tried all the tricks like staying up late...well past 10:30pm, sometimes even until midnight!!  Does that work? No, still up at dawn.
 Going out on a Friday night drinking heavily and dancing for hours with unsuitable women. Does that work? ...No.
 Even tried the sure fire way of falling asleep, Making sweet sweet love to my laydee! Now this usually results in comatosed  sleep within 30 seconds of  "doing the deed", it has been known to occur during the sweet sweet love making. Does this work at 5:30am Sat mornings? Nope,Nada, Nothing!

Today however as I got up the sun was shining and just emerging over the trees on the horizon casting its golden glow across a frosty field. The birds were starting to clear their throats and the air was still and crisp. As I sat with the first cup of tea of the day looking at the sun inch higher and higher above the trees, its strength lifting a vapour of steam off the frosty fence I had one of those rare moments when, as the song says, you feel "happy and you know it". I always find that happiness tends to be a retrospective emotion and its only when I look back at a situation or time do I feel that I was happy. Its not that I have a lot to be unhappy about, far from it, I am blessed (sorry I sound all American) with a great family who I love very much and who love me in return, I have a home and a job that I enjoy and I have my 'elf.
 Its at these quiet times that I think of those less fortunate, those both far away and those closer to home and it make me wonder how I would cope in their situations. I only hope that I would have the strength  and will to carry on. Those that have lost every single thing, their family, their home, their livelihood and are now facing the fear once again of loosing their lives to the invisible threat of radiation. Its not just that too, their fear will live with them till the day they die, the fear of the effects of the radiation on  them and their children and their children's children.
 As I sit and watch the sun rise on a beautiful spring morning thinking of the fun things to do with my family, I wonder if there was a man on the other side of the world who only a few hours ago sat contemplating the sun rise, only he was making plans as to which area he was going to search next for the bodies of his missing family.

One Small Step, One Giant Leap.

 What have this .....

Horse Head Nebula

  And this.......

 got in common ?

Well take a look at the guy far right of the album cover and again far right of the second photo about 40 seconds in.     

 Have you got it yet?

See if this helps... check out the keyboard player with the long hair and check waistcoat and trousers

Have a look at 23 seconds, then 2min 2seconds.

Have you got it now?

ITS....

"Areet,  how's  tha  fettlin?"

 I know, Mad isn't it.

 Who would have thought it, the thinking woman's crumpet, Brian Cox, was a patchuli smelling 1980's ROCK GOD. Then went on to perform a classic anthem with D:REAM..

 Its just not fair!!

 (Still, he has got those nasty wet lips of a rapist)

If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You..?

 The last post got me thinking..... who would I recruit as my Personal  Body Guards, Gaddafi style??  Hmmmmm

To The Right..

Salma Hayek

Penelope Cruz

Yamila Diaz

And to the Left...

Scarlet Johanssen

Drew Barrymore

Gwen Stefani

 I have it on good authority that if my person was under attack then these ladies can handle themselves like a bunch of  "ladettes" on a cold Saturday night in Wigan.  

BRING IT ON!!!!

Mad Tarrant!...ooops Tyrant!

 Up until a few weeks ago had you asked the "man on the street" to identify Libya,  9 out of 10 would of pointed to a ladies Naughty bits, but due to the resent up rising in the middle east then at least 7 out of 10 would point off  to somewhere in the distance. (ok maybe 2 or 3)
  There's not much we can say in favour of the harsh dictator Col Gaddafi  except that if you are going to seriously oppress your people and deny them any chance of change then at least do it with a misplaced theatrical style. Here is a man who dresses up in flowing robes that would make John Galliano blush whilst declaring that  its Drugs, Gays,Google and Western Women who have ruined his great and noble regimen. Come to think of it he may be right, you see all the worlds press seem to think he is talking about the activities of the uprising rebels but when you look at it more closely  maybe he's talking about all those "nights in" he has, smoking some weed, watching Graham Norton, trawling the internet for naked ladies and sending unwanted comments to every blog under the sun demanding we all  "BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN". Just think about it it makes sense, eh. ..... BUSTED!

 I think too that he has a fondness for Robert Palmer,  he see's himself fronting up on the "Addicted to Love" video. You know the one where the black clad beauties sway nonchalantly behind old Robo as he spews out some offensive noise.

 Yeah well old Gaddafi has his version but without the  guitars, he has dusky beauties toting sub-machine guns and a thousand ways to kill you in under ten second..

The Wahay Team!!

The real ball breakers.

 Here is the clincher... millions of you voted for Gaddafi! yes its true. Every Saturday night for weeks you all spent a pound of your hard earned cash supporting a tyrant in his bid for world domination. 

SEE I TOLD YOU SO!!

Carry On Gardening

 I hate February, Its a cold dark depressing month. The weather is always crap and having to spend the day in freezing, windy rain is just no fun. I often find that I am ankle deep in mud that sticks to your feet and makes you 4inches taller and then clings to your trousers. This then means that every time I get a brief chance to go indoors I not only have to remove boots and wet socks but trousers as well. This isnt such a big deal at home but believe me when you are working in gardens of, how can we put this delicately, women of a certain age, it raises other hazards of the job.
 Now very few of my customers are either the right side of 50 or sober, It seems that rich women start drinking Pinot G some time before breakfast and are well into their third bottle by the time they greet me with a cup of tea "with a little some thing to warm you up". Now I have worked out that its not wise to say that you can't taste the Whiskey in the tea,
 "The warming ingredient is not in the cup" .....as I have been told more than once.
Now as I am stood there in the utility room breeze blowing through my naked bottom half and steam forming on my glasses the last thing on my mind is servicing the lady of the house, a kind of erotic meals on wheels as it were. Apart from the fact that they are "not my bag", its so cold that even if I did want to "help her out" I would need a search party to "go look for the equipment"!

 So if I could I would love to just go to bed in October and wake up in March, ready and refreshed for my season ahead, ready to ward of the drunk old biddies!

5 AWESOME Things About Me...Part 5

The one where I bare all.....

I was having a bit of trouble with the Fifth and final part of what it is to be Awesome Me.

I have regaled you with stories (all 100% true) that have shown you my mischievous side, my insecure side and my spirit of adventure. I hope that these have made you love me just that little bit more, so what can I reveal to you to make you JUST WANNA BE ME !!

There's only one thing......yes

"A gratuitous picture of me with no clothes on" ... I hear you cry.

Not wanting to let the baying crowds go unsatisfied.........here goes(gulp!)

"This is Dad in bed with no clothes on"
Uncanny as to how close to reality this is!! 

As drawn by my 3 1/2 year old son at nursery last Friday, and whose teachers took great delight in handing over to me with a knowing wink and a big beaming smile as they explained what was painted...... in front of all the yummy mummies.
   Yeah Cheers son, just you wait, those pictures of you on the potty will be used without prejudice!!

5 AWESOME Things About Me...Part 4..

 The one where my big mouth gets me in trouble.....again

4. I must learn to pick my fights.

 As some-one who thinks cowardice is the best part of valour I can safely count on two blackened eyes the number of fight I have had. To quote Michael Jackson "I'm a lover not a fighter".
 So it would seem all the more amazing that the first time I decide to pick a fight I couldn't have chosen a worse opponent.
 This took place about 10 years ago.
  I was out for a drink at a few local bars with the guys when the notion took us that we should go to the local night club. I say its a night club but its nick name is the Cow Shed. We knew it to be a bad idea as each time any of us had been in there before there had always been trouble. If your going to play in the muck then your going to get dirty.
 After a few(quite a few) drinks we hit the dance floor. A group of five guys stumbling about to Britney Spears is not the most attractive of sights and inevitably we ended up bumping into every one in a 15foot radius. As the rest of the dance floor was made up of either couples dry humping or groups of girls dancing round handbags our flaying arms and legs were not going down too well. I happened to stumble into one of thee randy couples and we all went tumbling into a table. I apologised and tried to help them up but the man was not happy, telling me to stop being a dick-head he stepped up to me. Now like I said I am not a fighter by a long stretch of the imagination and I avoid confrontation but something just clicked, I guess in my impaired state I instantly weighed up my chances of getting my ass kicked and thought I stood a chance of walking away from this guy, he wasn't that big after all...... I was "up for it". We jostled with a bit of pushing  but no actual punches were thrown and his girlfriend pulled him away with the usual "Its not worth it"!
"Yeah walk away" I shouted and turned round to see my friends standing there with pure naked terror on their faces. "
"What?" I asked,
"Do you know who that is?" they said pulling me quickly aside,
"Just some idiot with a bad attitude" I replied.
"That's Steve Collins!!!"
"Who?"

Steve Collins lifting the WBO World Super Middleweight Belt in 1995

Steve Collins Knocking 7 different shade out of Chris Eubank

Steve Collins "Did you spill my drink?"  Nigel Benn "ouch!"

  I have run into him a few times since and each time I see him I apologise. He just smiles.